How did "Rock of Ages" go so wrong? So horribly, horribly wrong? So wrong that it rendered Alec Baldwin unfunny? This Adam Shankman-directed musical (I won't deign to call it a musical comedy) feels wan and draggy. It seems to think that being set in the Aquanetted 1980s and busting out some Poison and REO Speedwagon tunes are all it needs to pass for entertainment. Tom Cruise goes all-in playing an Axl Rose-ish rock-god mess, but he's never believable or particularly amusing. But, hey, at least he's not as colorless as Julianne Hough and Diego Boneta as the story's young lovers. The aforementioned Baldwin plays a club owner and looks as though he just wants the hell off the movie set. The singing is ... okay. The choreography by Mia Michaels looks amateurish. The whole thing is just ... "Rock" shlock.
- KRISTINA DORSEY