The American Music Awards take place this Sunday! I am beside myself. See? That's me, right there next to me. The Me on the left is saying to the Me on the right: "The American Music Awards in this Sunday. We don't care at all at all, do we?"

And the Me on the right answers, "No, it's stupid."

And both Me's probably acknowledge that, to someone who actually can't wait to see who will win the AMAs, I must come off like a musical snob.

I don't mean to come off like a musical snob, Dear AMA Fan — it's just that I listen to better music than you.

Look at some of these nominees:

Lady Gaga is up for Artist of the Year. Why?

Tell you what: in all objectivity, listen to Lady Gaga's Fame album and then immediately, in all objectivity, listen to Flower Petals by the subdudes. If, when you've done that, you can in all honesty say you prefer Fame to Flower Petals, cut off your own ears with a rusty hacksaw. You don't deserve them. By the way, the subdudes will never be nominated for anything.

Meanwhile, in the same category, this Gaga Person is also up against Michael Jackson. What the hell did he do? He died, that's what. All of a sudden dying is a musical statement for which you can earn an award? All credit to his genius, but when was the last album he made that was any good? About the same time Loverboy formed, right?

I don't mind Kings of Leon, who have many nominations, it's just that the Avett Brothers or the Drive By Truckers do it much, much better.

Sigh … Nickelback and the Black Eyed Peas are both nominated for Favorite Band, Duo or Group. (The Black Eyed Peas are also nominated for favorite R&B act. Which is it?) Both acts suck. No, really. They're horrible. If you've spent money to buy product from either Nickelback or the Black Eyed Peas, don't ever complain about tough economic times again. You clearly have money to waste.

The country artists are, on the whole, far more talented than their pop-rock counterparts — it's just that what they play is not country music. As for the hip-hop, I can't even listen enough to comment. When one of the new production teams does something as creative and forward thinking as Hank Shocklee, let me know. In the meantime, rap, with its by-definition lack of melody, remains the easiest musical form in the world to be awful at because too many people think they can pull it off. It's one thing to aspire to have a voice like Paul McCartney, but if you can't sing, you can't sing. Everyone can talk, but the problem is that "talking" isn't "rapping" and way too many people don't get that.

For God's sake, as I continue to scroll down the list of nominees, Daughtry is nominated for something! Oh, wait: it's in the Loser Who Actually Wants to Sound Like Creed category. (Which reminds me: Creed's back. And their new album, called Still a Headache — actually, I have no idea what it's called — is storming up the charts. I guess their new CD didn't appear in time to earn them nominations, but watch out next year!)

Radio -- remember radio? -- and the music press used to be sources for learning about new artists. Now they pander to lowest common denominator sonic viscera. What's amazing is that the Internet has stepped up with more possibilities to hear more varieties of music and artists than ever before -- and yet this is what we end up with a national "music" awards show?

A prediction: Katatonia's Night is the New Day, which is just out and is a kick-your-jaw-in achievement far beyond anything on the AMA nominee list, will never be heard by any human who watches the AMA. Yes: they're from Scandinavia and technically don't qualify for the AMAs. I'm just making a point about quality.

Too many folks say life's too short to be geek-like and troll around trying to discover new music, which is why they end up settling for the pablum you'll see on the AMA show. To which I respond, life's too short to settle for the pablum you'll see on the AMA show.

Same as it ever was.