“All right, everybody, let’s settle down – especially all that quacking. Do you think you could hold off ruffling your feathers and shouting ‘Aflac!’ every 30 seconds? Thank you. And Smokey, I think we’ve all heard enough about how only you can stop forest fires …”
“Hey, who elected a lizard to be our spokesman in the first place?”
“If I told you once I’ve told you a thousand times, I’m NOT a lizard! I’m a gecko, and I don’t have to remind you that my GEICO commercials are way more popular than your silly public service announcements. Anyway, before we get started I’ll ask that we take a moment to remember Gidget, our favorite Chihuahua who passed away in July at the ripe old age of 15 …”
“I know you shouldn’t speak ill of the dead, but what she did for Taco Bell was so demeaning!”
“Please, Miss McLachlan. We’re honored to have you as the sole human representative at our summit even though some of us find your late-night commercials for the Humane Society a little irritating. Let’s try to keep this civil and remember that we’re NOT all victims. The purpose of this meeting, of course, is to discuss the latest pronouncement from the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, mainly that poor old Punxsutawney Phil down in Gobbler’s Knob is exploited every Groundhog Day and should be replaced by a robot. Many of us agree that a silly tradition has gotten pretty tedious. But others feel that Phil has had a nice life holed up in a cage in the Punxsutawney Library and if it weren’t for Groundhog Day he’d be hibernating in a burrow all winter and waking up to a meal of frozen grubs.”
“Well I for one don’t see anything wrong with using a real animal for a ceremony or commercial, even if I’m an animatronic duck. I think we owe it to Gidget’s memory to see that career opportunities are available to all of us, regardless of whether or not we have fur or feathers or are just computer-generated images. I still get a little choked up when I think of that cute little face staring at the camera, mouthing, ‘Yo quiero Taco Bell.’”
“Thank you for your comments, and for not shouting ‘Afflac!’ for the 10,000th time. How about you, Bridgestone Tire squirrels? You’ve done some pretty daring ads, munching on acorns in the middle of the road while a car swerves at the least second. … Oh, I forgot, you don’t talk. OK, Smokey – you have your paw up.”
“Well, as you know I too am a robot, and I agree that real animals that appear in commercials have a pretty good life. Remember Morris? He made out pretty well with 9 Lives.”
“Morris! Morris! Everybody likes to talk about Morris! What about poor Spuds McKenzie? All that dancing, skateboarding, high-diving, playing hockey, riding horses while hawking Bud Light and then dying of kidney failure at only 10. So sad…”
“Excuse me, Sarah, but you’ve already spoken and we’d like to hear from the other animals first. Wait, I think I hear someone at the door … come in! … Hey, everybody, it’s the Slowskys”
“Sorry we’re late. We were tied up at the studio shooting out latest Comcast commercial. I wanted to take a cab, but Karolyn insisted on walking. Do you know how many times we were almost run over trying to cross the street?”
“Oh, Bill, stop being in such a hurry all the time. Once we start taking cabs, next thing you know we’ll be ordering high-speed Internet. Turtles are supposed to walk, just as DSL is plenty fast enough. So what’s this all about PETA and Groundhog Day?”
“I have a copy here of a letter quoting an animal specialist named Gemma Vaughan that PETA sent to the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club. Let me read from it: Groundhogs are normally shy animals that ‘become stressed’ when exposed to too much hubbub, yada yada, other popular exhibitions have featured robotic penguins and dolphins who swim and communicate just like real animals do, yada yada, tradition is no excuse for cruelty, yada yada, robots would allow Punxsutawney to engage in a futuristic, interactive, versatile, and humane annual event.”
“Excuse me, I have a letter, too. May I read from it?”
“Go ahead, Smokey”
“It’s from William Deeley, president of the Inner Circle of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club. He says Phil is kept in a climate-controlled environment and is inspected annually by the state Department of Agriculture. According to Mr. Deeley, Phil is “being treated better than the average child in Pennsylvania.”
“That’s hardly reassuring. Sarah? You were about to say something.”
“We’ve got to act, take a stand. How hard is it to make a decision? It’s so simple a caveman can do it. I just wish PETA had called me first. Anyway, Groundhog Day is Tuesday, so we don’t have much time …”
“Hey, Bill and Karolyn, where are you going?”
“If we’re off to Pennsylvania we’d better leave now. Come on, Karolyn.”
“Bill, we’ll never get to Pennsylvania by this Tuesday.”
“Who said anything about this Tuesday. I was talking about next year.”