First of all, let me clarify that the above headline doesn’t refer to any person in particular but to the TV show and movie of the same name featuring people – well, mostly male teens – performing various dangerous, crude and idiotic stunts that inevitably lead to painful injuries.
Anyway, when my friend Phil Scharper was in town the other day I lamented that recent snow had spoiled for skating otherwise perfect lake ice.
“Before the last storm it was great,” I said, “smooth, no cracks, plenty thick ...”
“Gee, I’ve already been skating this morning,” Phil replied nonchalantly. “It’s not too bad.”
I should have known that 4 inches of crusty crystals irregularly coating a lunar-like surface cratered with ice fishing holes would not deter Phil, a city dweller but country boy at heart. I also knew I couldn’t let him claim bragging rights.
“Yeah, you’re right,” I said. “Get your skates. I’ll meet you back here in 10 minutes. Oh, and bring a big tarp.”
Upon rendezvousing I was pleased to see Phil carrying a tent ground cloth. I was also happy that the wind had picked up.
You can tell where this is going.
“OK, hold on to your end but don’t lift it until we’re out in the middle,” I said as we shuffled over the bumpy surface. A turkey vulture circled ominously overhead.
A moment later we unfurled our makeshift sail and hoisted it above our heads. The tarp flapped, and then luffed like a spinnaker. Slowly we slid downwind.
Let me back up a bit to say this wasn’t the first time I’ve ice parasailed, if that’s what you want to call holding up a sheet while on ice skates. In past outings, on black ice and propelled by stiff breezes, friends and I have whipped along at 30 mph or more for hundreds of yards. One time a buddy who weighs more than 200 pounds was lifted completely in the air by a particularly powerful gust.
But you have to play the hand you’re dealt with, so Phil and I made the best of the rough surface and erratic winds earlier this week. We did manage to find one 50-yard stretch where the snow had been blown mostly clear, and eventually a blast sent us rocketing along.
After about two seconds, though, I could see we were just about out of smooth ice and so I shouted to Phil, “Reef the sail! Reef the sail!” Don't ask me why I just didn't yell, “Let go! For God’s sake, let go!” or better yet, simply drop my end.
Evidently Phil wasn’t familiar with sailing terminology or didn't hear me, and so we plowed into crusty snow at full speed. Phil somehow managed to stay on his feet but I toppled and banged my knee. It hurt.
Of course if this had been real Jackass I would have landed on my head and gotten a fishing hook stuck in my ear or better yet, broken through the ice, but it was only a sharp knock on the patella that evoked a few suitable expressions of my momentary discomfort and displeasure.
A minute later Phil and I were making another run, but with slightly less zeal. Eventually, we conceded that perhaps it would be better to wait for better conditions.
The trouble is, that might not happen until next winter. Outdoor ice-skating enthusiasts in southeastern Connecticut are accustomed to long hiatuses. Some years there has been suitable ice only for a day or two but I can also recall cold, snowless winters in which lakes and ponds remained clear and frozen for weeks.
Back then there were always a pickup hockey game or two and kids playing crack-the-whip. It’s been a while since I’ve seen more than one or two skaters out on the lake. Times change, I guess.
In order for Phil and me to get out for another ice parasailing session this season we’ll need a thaw to melt the snow, then some rain and another hard freeze. Though part of me would welcome this weather pattern another part would be just as happy if we skipped the hard freeze and went right into spring.
It’s already time to tap the maples – more on that in a week or two – and before you know it I’ll be planting pine seedlings and tilling the garden.
Winter has had a pretty good run this year, but the days are getting longer and the sun is getting stronger, so we’ll probably have to come up with a new Jackass stunt, maybe something involving mud.