You know how when you are dating someone, and then you decide to break up with him, but there's some lag time between the time you make the decision and the time you actually cut the cord, and in that lag time every little thing he does that didn't used to bother you bugs the hell out of you? Welcome to me and American Idol, Season 9.

Good gravy, I am irked. I am irked by the grotesque level of talent. I am irked by the glaring lack of personalities. I am irked by Randy's nonsense, Ellen's neckwear/slash nonsense, the fact that Kara now sounds like a Ph.D and Simon's cleavage.

I may have to start drinking heavily. Or more heavily. But let's get on with it, shall we?

We had to play switcheroo this week, with the boys going Tuesday and the girls going Wednesday because Crystal Bowersox was hospitalized with something mysterious and serious. The L.A. Times reported she is diabetic. Whatever it was (and they kept saying it was serious), I thought she looked great last night when she opened the show for the girls. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Let's time travel back to Tuesday, and the debacle known as The Ten Boys Who Somehow Made It This Far.

Here's the thing about the boys. If you go from complete suckhood in the first week, to slightly improved but still deep in suckhoodedness in the second week, is that really an improvement? If my kid came home from school with a test that had a big fat F on the top of it, and then the following week came home with a test with a D, am I elated? No. I'm not. I'm a teensy bit encouraged that maybe my kid is not a complete moron.

Big Michael Lynche kicked things off for the guys, after his video package in which he is seen bicep-curling little Aaron and bench-pressing Ryan. He stunk up the joint last week with his guitar and Maroon 5, and this week he went old school, opting for James Brown's It's A Man's World. He shone here, with all his "ows!" and "oohs!" and long dramatic pauses for effect. (Was he wearing boat shoes?) If he keeps this up, he will go far.

He was followed by the horrendous John Park, who apparently tried to swallow the humility pill between last week's debacle and this, but must've yakked it back up because I found him just as indulgent as before. He sang John Mayer's Gravity and yes, it was better but it sure doesn't mean it was good. Go home John Park. Just go home.

Casey James. Is it just me or do you hear bleating sheep in the background when he sings? I noticed it last week with Brian Adams and then a lot Tuesday night with Gavin DeGraw's I Don't Want To Be. Oh Casey. The laundry list of issues with this performance. I can't believe Kara is so lucid this season. The idiocy of the electric guitar. The pitchiness. Your lack of ability to breath and sing at the same time. The smile glued to your face. The fact that you thought for a nanosecond you would enter into the Bo Bice/Elliott Yamin Pantheon of Idol Awesomeness. Meh.

Meet Alex Lambert, the puker. Really, that's the way to get America to warm up to you: tell them how often you vomit. Which is, in this case, all the time. And when he's not yakking, he talks in his own special language. Oh, Alex. You seem so nice, with your mullet and your thrift store sport jacket. Seated Tuesday night, with his guitar, he was less uncomfortable, and he does have a nice "tone" in his voice. He did a good job with the John Legend song Everybody Knows. But he isn't going to win.

Speaking of not winning, Todrick Hall does push ups before his performance, dances ballet and makes horrendous song choices. He then throws gas on that fire by rearranging it to the point of unlistenableness. Take, for example, Tuesday night's What's Love Got To Do With It by Tina Turner. One of my all time favorite songs. Miss Turner sings it with restraint and volcanic emotion, combined. Todrick sang it so horribly that I immediately lost consciousness. I awoke hoping to discover that Todrick had been booted immediately under the Double Secret Probation Rule, but alas, I awoke only to watch him get drawn and quartered by the judges. Meh, squared.

Jermaine Sellers follows up that massacre with video footage showing him wearing footie pajamas. "We're artists but we're not Picassos, yet," he says in response to the judges' ripping out his guts last week. Oh, Jermaine, you are funny. You guys aren't even paint by numbers. He huffs steam prior to performing. He opts for Marvin Gaye's What's Goin' On, which my beloved Kris Allen sang last year in the finale, if you recall. He is dressed like Poindexter, and after the judges spray him with verbal machine gun fire when it's over (deservedly so) he a) takes requests from the panel and b) then brags he has nothing to worry about because God will vote for him. Or text. Maybe the Lord texts. I. Am. Irked.

Andrew Garcia is an out-of-shape break dancer in his spare time and chooses to sing James Morrison's You Give Me Something (dear readers, this James Morrison is not Jim Morrison from The Doors. He's a young Brit who is hot right now with the kids. So stop saying he is Jim Morrison. He's not. You, too, are irking me.) His jacket does not fit him, which may account for the slightly strangled take he does on this. I like this kid, but this is not good.

Aaron Kelly sings My Girl by the Temptations and when I wake back up he is finished.

Tim Urban. Tim. Urban. I have to admit, my cougar heart is starting to stir over this boy. That hair. Those blue, blue eyes. That clear skin. That jaw line. That humbleness (however fake it may be). He sings Come on Get Higher by Matt Nathanson, again, it's cool with today's youth, and there's something about him playing his guitar and singing about loose lips and swinging hips and dammit! Damn you Tim Urban! Whatever is happening to me also happens to Simon, who praises this boy despite what the other three say.

Lee Dewyze gets the pimp spot. I like this alternative high school graduate, who ensured himself the vote of every public school teacher in America when he said in his package that it was his teacher who showed him he could make something of himself, and then, look! there she is in the audience! Awww. He sang Lips of an Angel by Hinder and let me say this: I hate that song, but I liked it when he sang it. He could be the Daughtry who actually goes all the way. Or comes in fourth. We'll see.

Now for the girls. As I said, Crystal opens, she looks fine, she sings Creedence Clearwater Revival's Long As I Can See the Light and it is quite good. Simon conjures Kelly Clarkson. Oooooo!

Poor smiley Haeley Vaughn tries to take the judges' criticism from last week and turn it into a positive. While she is sitting backstage hotgluing her headbands and hair accessories, she opts for Miley Cyrus' The Climb. It is so awful. It is worse than when my 12-year-old daughter stands in front of her mirror in her room and sings it into her hairbrush. It is so bad that the producers play the Idol theme music to stop Simon from literally killing her with his critique. Ryan leaps to the stage and saves her. She tries not to cry.

Lacey Brown. Here's what I keep thinking the entire time she is on screen: A) What does she look like in the morning? Is her pillow just a giant nasty multicolored smear of makeup? and B) does she use a trowel to get it all on? She sings what Kara had told her to, which is Kiss Me by the Cranberries. It's fine, she's better than she was last week (how could she not be?) but honestly, she won't win. And what was she wearing around her neck?

Katie Stevens sings Corinne Bailey Rae's Put Your Records On, and it's fine.

Then poor Didi admits she was her school's mascot in high school, and correct me if I'm wrong, but in the photo she is wearing a beaver costume. Noooooo! She goes for Bill Withers' Lean On Me, and it is so bad in so many ways that even Ellen and her polka dot ascot get brutal, and Didi is definitely going to cry so of course Ryan tries to get her to talk so that the floodgates will open. She won't play that game though, so he hugs her.

Up next, Michelle. Who? I don't even remember this girl. Oh, yes, she sang Alicia Keyes last week and this week is singing Creed's Arms Wide Open, while wearing a cupcake. Whatever.

Lilly Scott sings A Change Is Gonna Come by Sam Cooke, and her hair is very annoying to me and by this time I am so tired and bored that even though it's good, I don't care. If a girl who wears giant feather earrings wins American Idol, I am taking all my canned goods and moving into my cellar.

Katelyn sings a funeral dirge called The Scientist by Coldplay while playing the piano and wearing pale lipstick, and when I wake up, she is done.

Paige colors. As in coloring books colors. But first she traces the lines with markers. Dr. Drew is going to love that when Paige is on Celebrity Rehab in 2012. She sings Walkaway by Kelly Clarkson. Honey, you are no Kelly Clarkson. Why does Simon love her?

Siobhan sings Aretha's Think and it's fine. I am confused as to why she landed the pimp spot but I stopped caring about 40 minutes ago.

Tonight, four more thankfully go home. From our mouths to God's ear.