They made a big deal last night on American Idol that this was the most important night in all eight girls' lives, this was the make-it-or-break-it moment for everyone, the deciding moment, the "wow" moment, the "it" moment, if you blew it now then you'd hate yourself forever because you had come thisclose to being in the Top 12 of American Idol and then ... you failed.

"Hi, Dr. Drew? It's me, Katie Stevens from Connecticut."

Of course, if the judges had done a better job of picking the Top 24 then maybe six of those girls would not have been in that soul-crushing position last night. I'm just saying.

We open the show with Ellen sitting on Simon's lap, nuzzling him. Whatever. As soon as Ellen and her button-down shirt and necktie move back to her regular seat, Kara slips in. And then later, Ryan. Oooo, it's just like Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice except gross.

And there's all the blah, blah, blah about pressure etc., and then poor Katie Stevens takes the stage, with all the conflicting advice in her head from last week, and she sings Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway ... badly. Horribly. Terribly. Weakly. Go ahead. Throw whatever adverbs you have into the mix here. Oh my goodness.

What happened? Was it nerves? Did the judges' relentless hammering away at this 17-year-old from a town in Connecticut no one in that town has even heard of finally get to her? On top of that, it is a terrible arrangement. I am watching with my 12-year-old — who is still mourning the loss of Haeley last week — and she turns to me and says, "She sounds old." Oh my little Idol savant. I'm so proud.

So of course the judges ravage her, and Katie says she tried to do everything they told her to, like the good girl she is, and, well, if she is still in it tomorrow night then I will eat Ellen's necktie. On the other hand, it would be better for her if she goes now, rather than being put through the grinder for a couple more weeks. She won't win.

Siobhan, our little Cyndi Lauper, looks absolutely gorgeous (I am pretending I can't see the fake flowers hot-glued to bobby pins in her hair) and gives a shout-out to her beret-wearing Dad in the audience and then does a terrific rendition of House of the Rising Sun. It starts out a cappella and then goes from there. Three out of four judges agree with me, and Simon proves that having everyone sit on his lap makes him crazy. He hates it. My savant hates it too.

Oh Lacey Brown. When I see you, all I can think of is my favorite bad movie of all time, Shakes the Clown. I do not like your voice, I have never heard of this song (The Story? By Brandi Carlile?) but I have to give you props, you sound much better than you have since we got to this stage. My savant says she sounds "squeaky." The judges rave.

Katelyn goes for what I suppose was inevitable, based on her hair: Carole King's I Feel the Earth Move. Really? While standing up at the keyboards? At least she's got shoes on. Brooke White would've done it bare-footed. It's fine, whatever, this girl doesn't do much for me, in fact she reminds me a lot of Drew Barrymore, and not the Drew Barrymore from 50 First Dates or Never Been Kissed, more like the Drew Barrymore from Riding in the Car with Boys or Poison Ivy.

Didi! Yay!!!! The Didi from the auditions is back!!! The Didi that I fell in love with!!! We have not seen this Didi in so long that I honestly was starting to wonder if I hallucinated that first Didi, but nope! There she is!!! Playing her guitar and singing Fleetwood Mac's Rhiannon. And it is fabulous! I hate what she is wearing, but whatever. It is so great. This is my Didi.

Oh Paige Miles. I have never understood the judges' love for you. And here you are, whimpering your way through Smile. WTH? The judges are savage, and rightfully so, and then Ryan tries to help you, to save you, by getting you to explain why you turned this song into a funeral dirge, and all you can say is, you were a huge Michael Jackson fan? What? I figured you were going to tell us that your Nana had passed earlier in the day, or your dog, or your favorite teacher from elementary school. Something! Not "I'm a huge Michael Jackson and that rendered me unable to sing this song"? Good God. Go home.

The producers did not give Crystal Bowersox the pimp spot, they gave her the penultimate pimp spot, and she is electrified tonight, literally and figuratively, and she looks awesome and she gives us Tracy Chapman's Give Me One Reason, and yes, it's true, she wins! American Idol! Right now! Yay! We're done. She sits on her amp for the judges' comments, which make me fear for her health, and Ryan adorably sits with her, like the kids at the peanut-free table. She's like that girl in the room next to yours in the freshman dorm, the cool girl who hung tapestries on her walls and smoked clove cigarettes and never talked to anyone and then just one day disappeared. I love her.

Lilly Scott gets the pimp spot, and she chooses to sing Patsy Cline's I Fall To Pieces. Tonight, her earrings are made of dryer lint. Seriously, she makes me want to punch someone. She makes me want to push little kids off the swings. She's playing, what? A ukulele? Vern Troyer's guitar? Nope, Randy says it's a mandolin. Her voice is like Parmesan through the cheese grater on this, I cannot stand it, I can't believe I am going to have to try to go to sleep after this. The judges say what they can to keep her in the competition — and she will stay in the competition — but their ears are also bleeding.

So there you have it. Crystal Bowersox et al. That's the subtitle of this season, for sure. The two to head home? I'm going with Katie and Paige. What do you think?