I have not watched any incarnation of The Apprentice since the conclusion of its inaugural season, and I have not had anything to do with Donald Trump (no parties, no Christmas cards) since his brutal assault on Rosie O'Donnell a few years back.

But the lure of this season's cast on the third go-round of Celebrity Apprentice proved too much for me, and I caught up with Sunday night's two-hour premiere yesterday.

"You with the sad eyes
don't be discouraged
oh I realize
it's hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
and the darkness inside you
can make you feel so small"

I would go anywhere and do anything for Cyndi Lauper. Sharon Osbourne has one of the sharpest tongues and quickest minds on TV right now. Bret Michaels is a pig. Michael Johnson and Summer Sanders are gold medalists. Darryl Strawberry is, well, Darryl Strawberry. And Rod Blagojevich literally has nothing to lose.

That said, the two-hour premiere was not that good. The problem with all these shows, to me, is there is sooooo much talking. Talk, talk, talk. The producers think all that talking — which oftentimes is conniving and scheming — creates dramatic tension. It does not. Mark Burnett, the creator/producer of this and the Survivor franchise, really believes this. It is why I am able to fast-forward through an hour-long episode of Survivor in 12 minutes. Just give me the challenges and the ouster. Thanks.

"But I see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow"

In true Trump fashion, it's the boys against the girls on CA, and on Sunday night, in a run-a-diner competition in which the goal was to raise the most money for the "project manager's" charity, the boys whupped the girls. And that was even after CA 2009 Champion Joan Rivers weighed in and gave the girls an extra 10 grand. Cyndi was the project manager for the ladies, and Bret for the men. The ladies did a lot of hugging and applauding and the men did much chest-bumping.

So there's endless dull talking in the planning stages leading up to the three hours that the diners are actually open, and the producers and editors are twisting themselves into pretzels trying to create drama where there is none. Booooring. When the diners finally open, it gets slightly interesting.

The best part is that Cyndi, who grew up in New York City and still lives there, has this coterie of completely wacky friends, and they all show up, including the old guy playing the accordion, and she starts singing True Colors as she waits tables, and Summer Sanders and the Victoria's Secret model pipe in while they sling burgers on the grill, and gosh darn it if I don't start crying. I'm telling you, I would follow Ms. Lauper to the ends of the Earth. Then Sharon pipes in with, "This is like the (bleep)ing Star Wars bar in here," and I laugh and everything's OK.

"Show me a smile then
don't be unhappy, can't remember
when I last saw you laughing
if this world makes you crazy
and you've taken all you can bear
you call me up
because you know I'll be there"

The boardroom part with Trump and Ivanka and Little Donny takes 40 minutes! FORTY MINUTES! That's like 10 Tribal Councils, Mark Burnett. All it shows me is that Trump really is a boob. Not to mention a misogynistic pig, and a big fan of the strip clubs Darryl Strawberry used to frequent when he was on the pipe.

Anyway, Little Donny is a howl as he does a dead-on impersonation of his father (on purpose or not, it's a scream) and the long and the short of it is comedian Carol Leifer gets fired by Trump, and Cyndi looks exhausted and sad and devastated, kind of like Crystal Bowersox looked last Thursday on Idol, like she can't take the bitter taste of the reality part of the reality show she is on. If Cyndi, as project manager, had been fired then it would've been a deal-breaker for me (thank you Liz Lemon), and honestly, the show is not compelling enough (heck, it's not even really interesting enough) to keep me once she is gone. So I'm in as long as there's Cyndi, and then, as my friend Heidi Klum says, I'm out.

"And I'll see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow"