When first informed that Scott Weiland had released a holiday album, Santa had an interesting reaction.
I must say, though, while I haven’t yet heard all of Scott's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year, I sorta dig the idea. It's like finding out that, up until that last murky moment in Paris when his liver popped like a bad tire, Jim Morrison still believed fervently in the Easter Bunny. Anyway, here are some of the tunes I anticipate from the Weiland holiday offering:
-- “(China) White Christmas” — an uptempo, dance-happy number based on the famous movie. Verses describe those seemingly naïve, innocent Haynes sisters introducing Danny Kaye’s Phil Davis and Bing Crosby’s Bob Wallace to the joys of slamming dope.
-- “North Pole Meth Lab” — A heartbreaking ballad about a white trash girl — and, yes, the implication is that it’s Santa’s daughter — who gets hooked on speed and turns her father’s gingerbread-laced toy factory into a methamphetamine manufacturing plant. When it explodes on Christmas Eve, the glow is so big and intense that, thousands of miles to the south, citizens all over the globe think they’re seeing the Star of Bethlehem.
-- “I’ll Be Home For Christmas (If by ‘Home’ You Mean ‘Rehab’)” — The song’s not that great or original, but that Weiland co-wrote this with Lindsay Lohan is sorta cool. Particularly since they collaborated in the same Chateau Marmont hotel room where John Belushi rode a succession of speedballs into eternity. (Fun Trivia: Scott and Lindsay couldn’t get the Middle 8 section down the way they wanted, causing Lohan to be late to her court-ordered public service duty in the LA County Morgue. Crazy!)
-- “Sharing Needles With Frosty” — a cautionary midtempo tune, sort of like “Sour Girl” if she was star of a Lifetime Channel movie — about a beautiful but sad woman who runs an orphanage. One December, she encounters Frosty the Snowman, who has fallen on hard times with a vicious addiction to black tar skag. Unfortunately, the Ice Man gets the orphanage woman hooked like a jack on heroin. She ODs and freezes to death in the snow, and Frosty steals her purse and buys some righteous dope with the money.
-- “I Saw Mommy Tying Off Santa Claus” — Unable to kick junk, “Mom” seduces the one dude who can presumably supply her with an endless supply of Chiba: the Gift Man himself, S. Claus.
And, finally: “Away in a Manger (I Hid Some Seriously Badass Mexican Brown)” — A lighthearted instrumental with Scott whistling a merry melody. As the music fades out, you can hear Weiland mumbling over the studio monitors: “’Zat get it? Cool. Who’s got some H?”
OK, I’ve made all the predictable heroin jokes possible. Too many, in fact, though — as usual — I amused ME.
But YOU watch this. It’s the first video from the album, a version of “Winter Wonderland.” It’s like seeing something directed by Rod Serling from the grave. It gives me the creeps that much. As my pal and colleague Pete Huoppi said: “I can only imagine that producing and releasing this album was the final step in Scott’s rehab requirements.”
Judge: “You AGAIN, Mr. Weiland?”
Scott: “I’m clean, Your Honor. Seriously.”
Judge (sighs): “Okay. Your blood test came back negative. Still … there’s just something spooky about you.” (Drums fingers on desk.) “Tell you what, Mr. Weiland, I’ll expunge everything from your record if you’ll record a holiday album. Show the citizens you’ve got a good heart and all that.”
Scott: “You’ve got it, Your Honor!”
Judge: “One thing, though. I want you to use Rod Serling to direct any videos. Even though he’s dead. That’d be funny, right?”
Scott. “Yes, sir. I will.”