Radiothon gives voice to men against domestic violence

There's something about men speaking up against domestic violence that makes other men stand up and take notice-and take action.

That's why the Women's Center of Southeastern Connecticut holds its "Men Against Domestic Violence (MADV) 1,000 Man Campaign" every year.

"Instead of sending the message that to be a real man is aggressive and controlling, and 'the man of the house and his word goes,' men can encourage other men that it's OK not to be that way," says Melva O'Neill, the Women's Center communication and involvement coordinator.

The campaign kicks off on Feb. 3 with an all-day radiothon and culminates on Father's Day with full-page advertisements in local newspapers listing names of men and boys who pledge to take a stand against all forms of violence against women.

"We want to create a community in southeastern Connecticut that doesn't tolerate violence or abuse," says Cathy Zeiner, executive director of the Women's Center. When a man at a backyard barbecue sees one spouse verbally or physically abusing another, we want that man to say, 'Cut that out,' to change the culture, so we no longer tolerate abuse in our community."

The radiothon runs on four local stations. On-air personalities will host their regular programs while interviewing guests-survivors, advocates, law enforcement and educators-who will share survival stories, talk about the work of the women's center, and discuss how the community is affected by domestic violence.

Listeners can call a special hotline manned by volunteers to make donations and pledges to benefit the women's center.

"The guys at the radio stations put in so much time-some of the deejays are there with us all day long," Zeiner says. "They work on the promos and put in a boatload of work, and are really as passionate as we are about this, and we're very grateful."

Getting men onboard

The women's center had the vision to get men onboard in its efforts to reduce domestic violence 16 years ago when it initiated the MADV project.

"(The center) realized then that it's not (solely) a woman's problem and it isn't going to be solved if only women are involved," Zeiner says.

"What I love most about the radiothon isn't just that it's a fundraising effort, but awareness-building," Zeiner says. "There are always a few women who finally get the courage to call us when they hear stories of other women who've been victims. For me, it's the most powerful part of this whole project. So many women are isolated. The radiothon provides a bridge for them."

"It's extremely powerful hearing someone share their story," O'Neill adds. "It makes it a reality for a lot of people. You can talk about the statistics: In 2011, we counseled over 4,000 people, just in our court program. You can talk about how much it happens in our own neighborhoods. But telling a real-life story, you're not talking about it from a technical perspective anymore. People realize this could happen to them, to their best friend. They may not have recognized it for how invasive it is or how dangerous it could become."

Zeiner and O'Neill both emphasize that the vast majority of men are not abusive, and point out even though domestic violence historically has been a women's issue, men also can be victims of abuse.

Bill Wernau of East Lyme learned about the Women's Center through his wife Anne, who facilitates the school-based "Violence is Preventable" program. He attended a 40-hour volunteer training program three years ago and became involved in fundraising efforts and is now working with O'Neill to form "Engaging Men," a new men's group at the women's center.

Wernau believes men listen better to other men and tend to discount what women say.

"We need to change the whole paradigm-TV, advertisements, (where) women are objectified," he says. "In the military, the first step is to objectify the enemy, then you can kill them. When you make women into the enemy, you can exploit them. When you treat women as partners, equals, you don't do that. It's really important for those messages to be changed."

Wernau says the message needs to be targeted to young people. Similar to bullying prevention programs in the schools, bystanders should be encouraged to use their voices.

"Most men aren't abusers, assaulters, but other men don't speak up," he says. "We raise boys to stifle their feelings. Where are they going to take their aggression?

"Women also need to hear the message-don't tell your sons to suck it up," he points out. "Unless you change the culture that it's OK for a boy to cry, you're stuck with what you've got. Psychologically, boys don't (always) get the acceptance and support they need when they're younger."

Last year, the women's center reported its emergency shelter was on average at 101 percent capacity-the highest occupancy for a domestic violence shelter in the state.

"There's no question that in difficult economic times domestic violence increases," Zeiner says.

"In the long run, our real desire is there be no need for our other programs," she adds. "It's why we invest a lot in prevention, changing attitudes and changing culture. We don't want to keep building programs bigger and more to serve more victims, but we want to reduce the number of victims in southeastern Connecticut to start with."