Don’t Get Caught Without the Fagin Meteorite Early Warning Detector and Deflector TM

The Deluxe model of the Fagin Meteoroid Early Warning Detector and Deflector features an antenna that alerts the wearer of falling space rocks.

In addition to grizzly bears, blizzards, hunters, lightning, rattlesnakes, floods, tornadoes, forest fires and avalanches, those of us who dare to poke our heads outdoors now must be on the lookout for meteorites — not that you could do much to protect yourself from a 10,000-ton hunk of rock hurtling from space at 30,000 mph.

Until now, that is.

In response to the giant meteorite that exploded Feb. 15 over Chelyabinsk, Russia, I have come up the perfect protective device: the Fagin Meteorite Early Warning Detector and Deflector.

It is modeled loosely after the Skylab Safety Helmet a buddy and I devised in 1979 when the 169,950-pound space station began veering from orbit.

Back then NASA scientists feared molten Skylab debris would rain down on unlucky earthlings, which caused near-panic among millions of Chicken Littles. Our invention basically consisted of a hardhat and list of instructions (“Place on head. Avoid open spaces. Don’t look up.”) Later we saw somebody else had the same idea, and I admit that model included a superior feature: An early warning detector consisting of a spike protruding from the helmet that would give the wearer a nano-second alert.

I have refined this concept in the Fagin Meteorite Early Warning Detector and Deflector, offering both a standard version (3-inch spike) and deluxe model (9-inch spike). It also comes with a money-back guarantee; if the Fagin Meteorite Early Warning Detector and Deflector should ever fail, the wearer or his heirs will cheerfully receive a full refund.

I’m reasonably confident about this offer – not so much because of the design of the Fagin Meteorite Early Warning Detector and Deflector, but due to the law of averages.

Back in 1979, some of you may recall, Skylab broke apart and disintegrated when it reentered Earth’s atmosphere, with only a small amount of debris striking remote portions of Western Australia.

And every year thousands and thousands of meteorites shoot to earth – nearly all landing harmlessly in the ocean or other uninhabited areas.

In fact, in all of recorded history there has been only one documented case of a fatality attributed to a rock from space – an unlucky Venezuelan cow struck in 1972 by what is now called the Valera Meteorite.

There have been numerous close calls – meteorites striking cars, houses and even, decades ago, grazing a German teenager and Alabama housewife in separate incidents. Scientists say the odds of a human getting turned to guacamole, or perhaps crème brule, by a meteorite are about a trillion to one, or only slightly less than, say, winning the Powerball jackpot.

Now that I think about it, maybe I should be selling meteorite insurance policies rather than hardhats.

Anyway, I’ll be taking orders for the Fagin Meteorite Early Warning Detector and Deflector as soon as I come up with a supplier that can guarantee me at least a thousand percent markup. Stay tuned for details.

Reader Comments

MORE BLOGS

Plunging Through Plum Gut And Bongo Sliding Through The Race In A Kayak: Maybe There Is Such A Thing As Too Much Fun

So a rabbi and a psychiatrist are kayaking in the ocean when a giant wave crashes over them and knocks the rabbi unconscious. The psychiatrist manages to pull the rabbi ashore, where he regains consciousness.

Once Again, Pink Gloves (Plus a Clever Signal) Help Save The Day At The Josh Billings Runaground Triathlon

"On your left!" Phil Warner shouted from the bow of a tandem kayak, racing toward a buoy during the paddle leg of last Sunday’s Josh Billings Runaground Triathlon in Lenox, Mass.

It's Swallow Time Again On The Connecticut River

Early Thursday evening was a magical time to paddle on the lower Connecticut River near Lyme.

Rocks In Their Heads Again: Another Bunch Of Idiots Knock Over An Ancient Stone Formation, This Time In Oregon

"Every now and again people do something so monumentally destructive, dimwitted and dishonorable it belongs in a class of disgracefulness normally reserved for trophy hunters ... It’s almost as if they wake up one morning and say to...

Who Needs Bug Zappers When Dragonflies Are On The Prowl?

Citronella candles, bug zappers, insecticides – people go to elaborate and often poisonous lengths to combat mosquitoes, deer flies and other nettlesome insects as we move into the steamy weeks of late summer, but I’ve been letting...

Life's A Beach: Eavesdropping In The Sand

"Sweetie, do you know what that is?" No response. "Look at that bird! You know what they call it?" Still no response. "It’s a seagull!"

Surf’s Up! Hanging Ten In A Kayak

All right, technically my buddy Spyros "Spy" Barres and I weren’t hanging 10 toes off the end off boards while riding waves at Westerly’s Fenway Beach on Thursday, but we were surfing.

I'm Always Chasing Rainbows

All of us who have ventured atop mountains, out to sea, or simply into a nearby park have occasionally faced Mother Nature’s wrath – a sudden thunderstorm, pounding blizzard, gale-force winds, locusts …

Loading Your Backpack: Less Is (Usually) More

Some years ago, preparing to hike the Hundred Mile Wilderness – the final stretch of the fabled Appalachian Trail from Georgia to Maine, I stuffed my backpack with what I initially considered to be the absolute bare minimum for a week in...

Sun, Sun, Sun Here It Comes (Enough Already!)

When I was a kid, the Fourth of July was one of the year’s high holy days, right up there with Halloween and the last day of school, because that was when my parents took my sister and me to the beach for the annual fireworks...

How To Build An Adirondack Chair Out Of Skis In 14,387 Easy Steps

Many people I know share my passion for outdoor recreation but I also have a little secret: Between rounds of kayaking, hiking, gardening, wood-splitting and other activities I also savor the simple act of lounging quietly on a sunny day in a...

A Comedy – And Nearly A Tragedy – Of Errors On Maine's Saddleback Mountain: In The Age Of Cellphones, A Failure To Communicate

A refreshing breeze cooled me despite a blazing late-afternoon sun as I scrambled up the final rocky slope to the 4,121-foot summit of Maine’s Saddleback Mountain earlier this week, but I paused for only a moment to gaze at the glorious,...