Breaking News: Global Warming Linked to Obamacare, Gun Control (and Other Fanciful Observations)

    After years of denying the Earth’s temperature has been steadily rising, researchers at the world’s foremost authority on noxious greenhouse gases, the Fox News/EIB Network Climatology Institute, now conclude global warming does in fact pose a threat to civilization. Furthermore, institute scientists have detected a connection between this troubling trend and two seemingly unrelated phenomena: passage of the U.S. Affordable Care Act, popularly known as Obamacare; along with efforts by gun-control activists to undermine the Second Amendment of the U.S. Constitution.

    “A hallmark of responsible scientific research is admitting your mistakes,” Dr. Francis N. Furter, the institute’s director, said in a prepared statement that sought to distance itself from his organization’s previously held view that global warming ‘is nothing more than an irrational belief, much like evolution.”

    “There now exists a preponderance of evidence that year to year and degree by degree, the planet’s mean temperature has been rising,” Dr. Furter said, citing numerous studies by independent scientific organizations.

    While other research institutions studying the impact of climate change have focused on such concerns as rising sea levels caused by melting polar ice caps, more prolonged droughts, as well as the increased frequency and intensity of hurricanes, blizzards, tornadoes and other violent meteorological events, the Fox News/EIB Network Climatology Institute has examined cultural rather than scientific correlations.

    “As surprised as we were by higher temperatures, we were even more astonished to learn that this rise coincided with the federal health care initiative, as well as attempts to strip law-abiding Americans of their constitutional right to bear arms,” Dr. Furter said. He stopped short of blaming Obamacare and gun control for global warming, but suggested the reverse may be true.

    “It has long been established that high temperature impairs function in the cerebral cortex,” Dr. Furter said. “We know that patients with a fever often become delusional. Therefore it is not too much of a stretch to postulate, using the vernacular, that climate change makes you dumb.”

    He added, “Dumb people make dumb laws.”

                                    *    *    *

    I know the above frivolous, fanciful commentary sets me up as a punching bag for all the crazed climate-change deniers who like to point to the past few days of frigid, blustery and snowy weather as “evidence” that global warming is a hoax – but I say the furious storm, and others like it, prove what climatologists have been warning all along: We can expect more extreme weather more often.

    This may be the start of a long, cold winter, so get used to it.



Reader Comments


Beware The Deadly Deer

Every season presents the potential for paradise or peril.

Autumn Berries: A Succulent Reward During A Long Bike Ride

While biking through the hills and along the shore of Mystic and Stonington the other day with my friend Spyros "Spy" Barres and son Tom, I began to regret that I neglected to bring along a water bottle.

The Rites – And Wrongs – Of Autumn

It’s finally happened: I’ve grown so accustomed to the roar of the leaf blower that I now longer recoil and curse at the first sonic blast of fall, but simply shake my head and sigh.

Privacy/Preservation: The Roads Not Taken At Fishers Island And Other Enclaves

Imagine strolling to the tip of one of Connecticut’s most magnificent natural habitats, Bluff Point Coastal Reserve in Groton, and instead of gazing at tidal marshes, salt ponds and sweeping, unspoiled view of Fishers Island Sound,...

Part II: Serenity, Solitude And Soggy Socks In The Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wilderness

When we last left Tom and Steve, they were paddling through muck and mire (though mostly sparkling water) in northeastern Minnesota’s Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wilderness. Here is the second and final installment describing...

Serenity, Solitude And Soggy Socks In The Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wilderness

Gusty blasts that shook our tent during the night blew away thick clouds and rain showers, bringing morning sunshine that sparkled on Cherokee Lake when my son Tom and I crawled from sleeping bags last week.

The Continental Divide Trail: 'Overall It's Amazing, But You Have To Be OK With Getting Lost'

After tramping more than a month some 700 miles along the fabled Continental Divide Trail, Mystic native Hilary Sueoka and her boyfriend, Dan Stedman, who started hiking April 22 at the U.S.-Mexican border, finally rambled from the...

The Josh Billings Runaground Triathlon: Racing Is The Easy Part.

By the time Phil Warner and I hit the water in his lightning-fast tandem kayak last Sunday for our team’s leg in the Josh Billings Runaground Triathlon in Lenox, Mass., we had already spent a good part of the morning lugging gear...

There’s No Accounting For Taste When It Comes To Favorite Mountains, Or Tacos

En route to a hiking expedition in Nepal’s Himalayas a number of years ago, my wife and I took a detour to India and spent a day bouncing along on a bus from New Delhi to Agra to tour the Taj Mahal.

Mount McKinley Renamed Denali: Better Than Mount Reagan

Three cheers for the Obama Administration’s decision this week to officially restore the name of North America’s tallest mountain to Denali, which is what early inhabitants called the 20,310-foot peak in the Alaska Range.