- 2016 Elections
- Special Reports
- Maps & Data
- Dear Abby
- Games & Puzzles
- Events & Exhibits
- Food & Drink
- Arts & Music
- Movies & TV
After years of denying the Earth’s temperature has been steadily rising, researchers at the world’s foremost authority on noxious greenhouse gases, the Fox News/EIB Network Climatology Institute, now conclude global warming does in fact pose a threat to civilization. Furthermore, institute scientists have detected a connection between this troubling trend and two seemingly unrelated phenomena: passage of the U.S. Affordable Care Act, popularly known as Obamacare; along with efforts by gun-control activists to undermine the Second Amendment of the U.S. Constitution.
“A hallmark of responsible scientific research is admitting your mistakes,” Dr. Francis N. Furter, the institute’s director, said in a prepared statement that sought to distance itself from his organization’s previously held view that global warming ‘is nothing more than an irrational belief, much like evolution.”
“There now exists a preponderance of evidence that year to year and degree by degree, the planet’s mean temperature has been rising,” Dr. Furter said, citing numerous studies by independent scientific organizations.
While other research institutions studying the impact of climate change have focused on such concerns as rising sea levels caused by melting polar ice caps, more prolonged droughts, as well as the increased frequency and intensity of hurricanes, blizzards, tornadoes and other violent meteorological events, the Fox News/EIB Network Climatology Institute has examined cultural rather than scientific correlations.
“As surprised as we were by higher temperatures, we were even more astonished to learn that this rise coincided with the federal health care initiative, as well as attempts to strip law-abiding Americans of their constitutional right to bear arms,” Dr. Furter said. He stopped short of blaming Obamacare and gun control for global warming, but suggested the reverse may be true.
“It has long been established that high temperature impairs function in the cerebral cortex,” Dr. Furter said. “We know that patients with a fever often become delusional. Therefore it is not too much of a stretch to postulate, using the vernacular, that climate change makes you dumb.”
He added, “Dumb people make dumb laws.”
* * *
I know the above frivolous, fanciful commentary sets me up as a punching bag for all the crazed climate-change deniers who like to point to the past few days of frigid, blustery and snowy weather as “evidence” that global warming is a hoax – but I say the furious storm, and others like it, prove what climatologists have been warning all along: We can expect more extreme weather more often.
This may be the start of a long, cold winter, so get used to it.
All of us who have ventured atop mountains, out to sea, or simply into a nearby park have occasionally faced Mother Nature’s wrath – a sudden thunderstorm, pounding blizzard, gale-force winds, locusts …
Some years ago, preparing to hike the Hundred Mile Wilderness – the final stretch of the fabled Appalachian Trail from Georgia to Maine, I stuffed my backpack with what I initially considered to be the absolute bare minimum for a week in...
When I was a kid, the Fourth of July was one of the year’s high holy days, right up there with Halloween and the last day of school, because that was when my parents took my sister and me to the beach for the annual fireworks...
Many people I know share my passion for outdoor recreation but I also have a little secret: Between rounds of kayaking, hiking, gardening, wood-splitting and other activities I also savor the simple act of lounging quietly on a sunny day in a...
A refreshing breeze cooled me despite a blazing late-afternoon sun as I scrambled up the final rocky slope to the 4,121-foot summit of Maine’s Saddleback Mountain earlier this week, but I paused for only a moment to gaze at the glorious,...
During decades of traipsing through the wilderness I’ve slept, or attempted to sleep, in every conceivable indoor and outdoor quarters: in freshly dug snow caves; alongside bug-infested swamps; during thunderstorms with no tent; in the...
The awful story this week about a 2-year-old boy who witnesses said was pulled by an alligator into a lagoon near a Walt Disney World hotel in Orlando, Florida and later found dead serves as a reminder that danger lurks even in "The...
While kayaking the other morning I spotted a small, dark object poking above the lake surface 100 yards or so ahead, and I was pretty sure it was the head of a turtle until I drew closer and realized the sad truth: just another beer...
Shortly before the start of the late-great Rose Arts Road Race several years ago, a 10.47-mile running competition over the hills of Norwich considered one of New England’s toughest courses, my friend Bob and I decided to jog a couple miles...