- Dear Abby
- Games & Puzzles
- Events & Exhibits
- Food & Drink
- Arts & Music
- Movies & TV
After years of denying the Earth’s temperature has been steadily rising, researchers at the world’s foremost authority on noxious greenhouse gases, the Fox News/EIB Network Climatology Institute, now conclude global warming does in fact pose a threat to civilization. Furthermore, institute scientists have detected a connection between this troubling trend and two seemingly unrelated phenomena: passage of the U.S. Affordable Care Act, popularly known as Obamacare; along with efforts by gun-control activists to undermine the Second Amendment of the U.S. Constitution.
“A hallmark of responsible scientific research is admitting your mistakes,” Dr. Francis N. Furter, the institute’s director, said in a prepared statement that sought to distance itself from his organization’s previously held view that global warming ‘is nothing more than an irrational belief, much like evolution.”
“There now exists a preponderance of evidence that year to year and degree by degree, the planet’s mean temperature has been rising,” Dr. Furter said, citing numerous studies by independent scientific organizations.
While other research institutions studying the impact of climate change have focused on such concerns as rising sea levels caused by melting polar ice caps, more prolonged droughts, as well as the increased frequency and intensity of hurricanes, blizzards, tornadoes and other violent meteorological events, the Fox News/EIB Network Climatology Institute has examined cultural rather than scientific correlations.
“As surprised as we were by higher temperatures, we were even more astonished to learn that this rise coincided with the federal health care initiative, as well as attempts to strip law-abiding Americans of their constitutional right to bear arms,” Dr. Furter said. He stopped short of blaming Obamacare and gun control for global warming, but suggested the reverse may be true.
“It has long been established that high temperature impairs function in the cerebral cortex,” Dr. Furter said. “We know that patients with a fever often become delusional. Therefore it is not too much of a stretch to postulate, using the vernacular, that climate change makes you dumb.”
He added, “Dumb people make dumb laws.”
* * *
I know the above frivolous, fanciful commentary sets me up as a punching bag for all the crazed climate-change deniers who like to point to the past few days of frigid, blustery and snowy weather as “evidence” that global warming is a hoax – but I say the furious storm, and others like it, prove what climatologists have been warning all along: We can expect more extreme weather more often.
This may be the start of a long, cold winter, so get used to it.
Embarking on a winter expedition to Mount Katahdin a few years ago, I hooked up with a few casual acquaintances accompanied by other climbers I only met just as we began the long drive from southeastern Connecticut to northern Maine.
While snowshoeing on a tamped-down section of the Ethan Pond Trail in New Hampshire’s White Mountains the other day, our group approached an untrammeled stretch of the Zeacliff Trail that descended into a ravine below frozen-over Whitehall...
I know there’s a good chance I’ll be eating these words when I’m shoveling, shoveling, shoveling, or huddled with a candle next to the wood stove while melting snow for drinking water after the power has been knocked out for...
In a "perfect" world – i.e., one in which all living creatures and meteorological phenomena benefited human comfort and bowed to our supremacy – there would be no need for deer fences, bird netting, herbicides,...
Every year about this time, after having spent the past few months shoveling tons of snow from the driveway, lugging tons of firewood from the shed, getting out of bed dozens of times at 3 a.m. to stoke the stove, hauling countless buckets of...
Just when we winter worshipers had resigned ourselves to another snowless season, and only a day after the temperature climbed ridiculously into the 60s, our prayers have been answered not just by an ordinary storm but by a meteorological...