Mark Zuckerberg called me the other day, laughing. “Dude,” he said, “do you realize that, based on our information, YOU are a bigger sucker for clickbait than any other computer user in the world?”

It did surprise me, but only because I didn’t know the gambit was actually called “clickbait.” All I knew is that, whilst clumsily paddling the ’net — others might surf, but I awkwardly paddle like a 4-year-old trying to operate Harvard’s varsity shell — I am constantly derailed by what I now know is “clickbait.” Let’s say I’m reading a transcript of Clarence Darrow’s summation at the Loeb and Leopold trial — and I HAVE done that. And off to the right or at the bottom is an enticing photo and a sensationalist headline that says something like “10 Different Hooters Waitresses Who Each Have Held Justin Bieber’s Head Up While He Vomited” or “4 Chilling Photos of a Young Hitler Wearing Halloween Costumes That Should Have Let the World Know He’d Soon Be Up to No Good” or “7 Women With Hair Like Ronnie James Dio.”

I suppose other people can resist such things — but not me.

The thing is, these lists are set up so that you have to “click” to see each successive image. And it goes without saying that, invariably, the computer freezes about halfway through any given list. No individual “clickbaiting” has ever made it to Number One on any list, ever.

The worst thing, though, is that, while I like conspiracy plots and “inside” info on OD-happy celebrities and professional nudists as much as the next person, I’m also a hypochondriac. So the clickbait lists that I absolutely cannot ignore are the ones that warn “5 Seemingly Innocent Physical Symptoms That Nonetheless Indicate You Are Doomed.” I’ll bet you didn’t you know, for example, that:

1. That forearm freckle you never noticed before? It very well indicated you have a previously unknown and viral hemorrhagic fever. You’re Typhoid Mary!

2. That one wild nose hair that grows so quickly? This indicates your innate metabolism has gone berserk and your heart will explode in nine minutes (and counting).

3. That speck of dust in your eye? It’s NOT dust, moron! It’s a tumor! By tomorrow, it’ll be the size of a hail-sized golf ball!

4. The crow that’s always perched in the tree outside your house? No, he’s technically not a physical symptom, but he IS a an omen that you’ll perish soon in a fiery crash!

5. Well, we’ll never know. Computer froze.