Rick's List - The Moron Look edition

Until he popped up as a "politician," I never invested any time pondering Donald Trump. Now, as with the rest of the world, he's rarely out of my thoughts. It's small bit of solace that Donald and I have absolutely nothing in common.

But wait! Secretary of State Tillerson apocryphally called him a moron! Now, THAT I can relate to.

It was only two weeks ago that Tillerson called ME a moron. Actually, what Tillerson said was, "In 1999, Koster gave a negative review of a John Tesh concert. I do not forget nor forgive, and someday I will twist his spine like a highway cloverleaf."

Well, in that spirit, a lot of people routinely refer to me as a "moron" or similar folksy terms of affection such as "cretin," "buffoon," "clod," "idiot" and — this from a Shakespearean scholor, no doubt — a "froward and unable worm."

The important thing is that Trump and I are both regarded as morons. This has resulted, for me, in an odd and unexpected sense of kinship, and it makes me want to share other characteristics with him. Maybe I'll start with his hair. After all, men are a vain lot, and a signature hair style is important. Look no further than the Beatles' original mop-toppery, George Clooney's Caesar, Bob Marley's dreads or Justin Bieber's, ah, whatever that is/was to see how we seek to emulate certain tonsorial works of art.

A few thoughts on how I can best copy Trump's hair:

1. Okay, first, it's hard to get past the certainty that, each morning, some unfortunate has the spooky job of, ah, running his or her hands through Donald's locks to make this work.

2. Bill Murray called from the set of "Kingpin." He wants his hair back.

3. There's an intimidating and decided complexity to the design, implementation and maintenance required for the aerodynamics of what might be called those Ear Wings. A little research confirms the Ear Wings are being studied by engineers at Boeing, NASA and various makers of expensive and sleek watercraft. 

4. Um, that shudder-inducing Creamsicle tone is 100 percent natural, right?

5. Sing the praises of a product called Cyanoacrylate. It's the Trump's Hair Squad's go-to adherant and is also a sticky solvent utilized by medical and funeral professionals to seal and obfuscate deep wounds. No less than an absolutely rigid shellac is required given that the Ear Wings must stay inviolate when the president is engaged in highly physical and societally reassuring activities such as throwing paper towel rolls to desperate citizens whose homeland has been peeled from the surface of the earth by a Force-4 hurricane.

6. Next week's column photo should reflect my new hair style. Donald and I call it "The Moron." 

 

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