I just spent a week in Dallas helping out with the sainted Mom Unit before she starts her new job running the Masters golf tournament down in Augusta. Actually, that’s not true. She fell and required a bit of round-the-clock care, hop-scotched between my sister, Michelle, who travels from her home in Denver, and me. From my perspective, this division of labor isn’t really fair. Sis is a NURSE, so when it’s my turn as caregiver, or even when our visits overlap, how well do you think I do compared with the family professional?

Not great.

No matter, though. It’s the cycle of life and I’m privileged to serve to the best of my poor abilities. However, here are some things I learned, observed or heard repeatedly over the course of my last deployment to Texas.

1. Forget the dangers of addiction to Hydrocodone, the painkiller Mom required after her fall. (Note to North Texas junkies who might be reading this online and decide to “visit” Mom’s apartment to relieve her of her stash: the heavy dope phase of her recovery is over. Any B&E on your part will result only in a bottle of Extra Strength Tylenol). BUT ... Mom does have a peculiar jones for Kleenex. Typically, she has a clump in each hand, several more deposited around the mattress or bedside table, and yet more on the carpet near the trashcan — at which she enjoys aiming and shooting discarded napkins in basketball fashion. At 90, she’s not expected to be Pete Maravich. But ...

2. It’s totally okay to text whilst driving in Texas. Now, Dallas is a city of 1,200,000 lunatics — er, fine folks — all of whom drove in bumper-car fashion BEFORE the invention of the cell phone. The hand-held device adds to the fun, and seemingly everyone uses one while routinely speeding. But the blanket participation of motorists with a cell phone is truly eerie. Until, that is, I saw this decree by ex-Governor and Stupid-Hair Man Rick Perry: “Each citizen of the State of Texas shall henceforth, whilst operating a motor vehicle, not only exceed posted speed limits by 15-20 miles per hour, but frantically engage in cell phone activity. Failure to comply means you’re deported to Mexico or, worse, Oklahoma.”

3. RN Sis, on heading home for a week at her real job, leaves nutritious food instruction for Care and Feeding of the Mom-Unit. Sis: “She gets peaches or strawberries for breakfast, lean grilled fish and veggies for dinner, and a Boost protein drink. Under NO circumstances should you give in when she begs for a frozen White Castle or those horrible fried gizzards from Henderson’s Chicken.” Me, to Mom, a few hours after Sis has left and it’s dinner time: “Mom! Guess what’s for dinner! White Castle and gizzards!” Mom: “I love you, son! Can we have wine, too?” Me: “I’m on it!”