Rick's List -- (Theoretically) Soothing Music Edition

No matter what your politics are, these are blood pressure-raising times. Take Thursday. There was Congressional testimony by 7'3" former FBI director James Comey. Under oath, he claimed that, in a private meeting in a catacomb under the White House, President Donald Trump offered a free yacht and a Barron Trump signature golf bag in exchange for "loyalty, fealty and slavish devotion best described as 'fawning.'"

Trump countered in a Tweet — sanctioned by Twitter founders as a "one-time only" exception to the 144 characters rule, allowing the President a 752-character emetic — exulting over "complete and total exoneration" and adding "late-breaking notification that 'The Art of the Deal' is being made into a film starring Bradley Cooper and Ivanka Trump, and, oh, yeah, up close? Comey's cologne is really cheap, like maybe Old Spice or Stetson."

And God help you if you stayed up watching CNN or MSNBC or Fox or the late night talk-show quipsters. Most of us probably woke up Friday frazzled and emotionally crippled wrecks. How long can we keep this up?

Well, concerned citizens, ranging from Facebook philosophers and incense salespersons to actual physicians, suggest a break: don't watch the news or read the papers or engage in social media. Instead, light some candles and turn your satellite radio onto a stream of New Age music.

My wife Eileen and I tried this, and it seemed to help ... until we figured out that graphics pop up on the screen telling you the name of the artist and the song you're listening to. Eventually, we became obsessed with this because it seems you can't be a New Age musician named "Doug Tarver" or have a band name like "The Cheap Drunks." It needs to be far more evocative. Yanni or Enya, for example. Or these actual New Age artists: Deuter, Chinmaya Dunster, Fionnuala Sherry, Fridrik Karlsson, and Nightnoise (I don't know whether the latter is a person or a group).

In that spirit, to name a song, a New Age composer must apparently be required to include at least two of three motifs: nature/season, meteorological/celestial, and/or dreamy/mystical. And, because we're us, we started jotting song names down and, while it probably destroyed any of the lullabaic effects we were trying to achieve, we laughed pretty hard. Here are some real tunes we heard:

1. "Goddess Evocation"

2. "Tundra Summer"

3. "The Edge of Forever"

4. "A Year of Butterflies"

5. "Bright Silence, Quiet Light"

6. "Snow Crystals"

7. "A Star Danced"

8. "Ice Wind"

9. "President Trump's November Frost Ballet" (not really, just seeing if you're still paying attention)

10. "Waterfall Memories"

11. "Heart Release — Peregrine Rain"

There ya go! I hope you feel calm and ready for about 1,275 more days of this Administration.


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