My wife is a medical diagnostic sonographer at Yale New Haven-Lawrence & Memorial Hospital. Her job requires the study of physics and anatomy to operate complex machines and involves getting real personal with half-naked people of all sizes.

Yet, sonography was again declared to be the least stressful job in the world for 2017 by Careercast.com. Sonographers are always at the top of these polls. That’s crazy.

In fact, I can prove the polls are wrong because I will soon have the indisputably least stressful job in the world.

I have applied to replace Vanna White as the puzzle board operator on the TV game show Wheel of Fortune.

The job requires the intellect of a squirrel, yet it pays over 100 times what sonographers earn.

Surfing television channels one evening, I paused on the Wheel of Fortune. Hostess Vanna White, now over 60 years old, glided back and forth, agedly radiant, in front of the big puzzle board.

But I saw through her glowing facade. Oh, how intellectually desolate she must be after 35 brain-withering years of simply revealing letters!

And, technology has rendered the board absurdly foolproof, as the next letter is highlighted by a pleasant hue, so all White has to do is sashay past and touch the lighted block. She doesn’t even have to know how to spell.

I imagined her thoughts as she worked: “I think I’ll devastate the wine cellar tonight.”

My pity, however, turned to envy when I discovered that White is paid $8 million a year to wither on the vine.

My own wheels of fortune started turning.

Suspecting White to be on the verge of retirement or insanity, I submitted a proposal to Wheel’s network.

It is a financially attractive offer, and one they can’t legally refuse. I’m a shoo-in.

I’ve agreed to perform the same function for only $1 million, saving the network $7 million a year in salary, plus the cost of all those expensive gowns, makeup, a personal trainer and therapy sessions.

I have a reusable tux and my bicycle is my personal trainer. I’m irresistibly affordable.

My educational credentials are impeccable, as I know the alphabet inside and out. I also know how letters form words.

All possible reasons for rejection are illegal.

I cannot be refused the position because I’m a man, as that would be sex discrimination. They can’t say they want a younger person as that would be age discrimination.

Even my wife agrees there is no better squirrel for such a mindless job than me. A million a year is in the bag!

As I pack for Hollywood, try to solve this Bonus Round Puzzle:

I F_ _ L L_KE A M_LL_ _N B_ _KS!

Sonographers everywhere, consider yourselves vindicated.

John Steward lives in Waterford. He can be reached at tossinglines@gmail.com. Read more at www.johnsteward.online.