Life As A Lumbersexual
I can never remember – do you apply facial cleanser before or after the exfoliating scrub, and then finish up with healing balm and moisturizer, or should you start with the scrub, work your way through the cleanser and then top things off with balm and moisturizer?
I tell you, it’s not easy being a lumbersexual.
Until the other day I didn’t realize that’s what rugged outdoor guys are called, but then a New York publicist pitching men’s grooming products sent me a press release describing the lumbersexual trend that has emerged in the men’s style world.
The term, she said, refers to “guys who may not frequent the great outdoors, but like to look like they do. Boots, flannels, camo, and full-grown beards are just a few of the typical trends they incorporate to achieve this look. But for the real men who actually camp, hike, fish and everything in between, this all comes naturally.”
The lumbersexual, it turns out, evolved from the metrosexual, first defined in the mid-’90s as an urban male preoccupied by fastidious grooming and elegant style. Women, though, apparently weren’t particularly attracted to men who spent an inordinate amount of time primping in front of mirrors and fussing with their makeup, and so guys ditched their designer duds, decked themselves out in denim and flannel, and stopped shaving.
Wow! Who knew?
Acually, the more I think about it, the less I think I can cut it as a lumbersexual.
First of all, I don’t have a beard. I did sport full facial hair a few years ago when I returned from a month-long mountaineering expedition in the Andes, but it itched like hell and I looked less like a well-groomed man about town and more like a Sandanista, so I shaved it off after a couple weeks. I have had a mustache for decades, but far from being neatly trimmed it often resembles a vacant lot.
And truth be told, I’m not that into camo. When I see a guy in camo I usually start looking around for an escape route. I certainly wouldn’t wear camo while trying to go through airport security.
As for boots, I do wear them on the trail but would feel a little silly clomping through city streets in anything other than running shoes -- especially not in double-layered mountaineering boots with insulated gaiters and crampons. And flannel makes me itch.
The publicist’s company’s products include “a cleanser, scrub, shave cream, healing balm and moisturizer with SPF 30, which all use honey and bee pollen extracts to prevent nicks, acne, razor bumps and more. The moisturizer in particular works to protect a man’s skin from powerful sun rays, while outdoors for extended periods of time.”
Guess I’d strike out there, too. I prefer my honey in tea, or served over plain, nonfat Greek yogurt.
And I change my razor blades after I’ve used them so long they’re only good for cutting linoleum. Nicks? Razor bumps? Try gouges and mountains. To my enormous good fortune, I also somehow have made it through adolescence, my teens and a good chunk of adulthood without having had a single zit.
I’m not going to mention the publicist’s company, even if she did promise to send free samples, because I’m not in the product-endorsement business. In fact, with the exception of a few competition kayaks and a couple particularly resilient parkas I tend to avoid high-end brands and stick with equipment and supplies you can buy at a discount store. Why waste all that money?
Writing regularly about the outdoors does attract occasional offers of swag, most of which I would never use. On that note I get regular press release from hunting outfitters, snowmobile manufacturers and lawn-care services, which make me chuckle since I would be as likely to wield a shotgun, zip off in a snow machine or spread poisonous herbicides and insecticides around my house as I would be to -- well, smear honey onto my mustache.
So, I’ll have to pass on the bee pollen moisturizer, as well as the lumbersexual moniker, which is too bad, because it has a nice ring.
I guess I’m happy just to be a guy.
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