Getting the last word

And here I thought I was this insightful, provocative, analytical guy. Wrong again. Turns out that I could be an uninformed creep. Or at least that's the feeling lately from the gallery.

So it's time to answer my mail. Or at least the Internet version thereof. Keep in mind that I have never met any of these people, nor do I wish to. Basements are such musty places, anyway.

And they thought they'd get the last word.

Heh, heh, heh.

• In a column about the controversial Canadian women's hockey celebration, Mr. "John J" writes, "Seriously-thanks for standing up for Canadian Women's Hockey Mike, because you are such a big fan. ... Did you even watch the game? Of course not. Because YOU don't care. But if there's injustice anywhere in the winter olympics, leave it to SuperFraud to stamp it out!!"

Dear John J: Is SuperFraud anything like Super Freak by Rick James? "I'm a super fraud, super fraud, I'm super-fraudy, yow." And I did too watch. I know my hockey. Like how the ice smoother thingy between periods is called the Carboni. See? I know my hockey all right. Hockey terms and everything. And "Winter Olympics" is capitalized. So there.

• In a reference to some Idle Thoughts, "Politico" writes, "Wow … a shout out to the Twins middle of the order from a writer who couldn't name five middles of the order in MLB, and a dis on a running back, who after three years in the NFL, is already better than any rb in Giants history. Finally, his far right water carrier, attempting to supplement the jokes, with a played out dis on the president at the same time. Suffice to say, I won't be back here for awhile."

Dear Politico: It is with a heavy heart that I absorb the idea you won't be reading my column for a while. My analyst decided it would be best if Dr. Seuss replied for me:

"Politico won't be back here for a while.

What will Mike do?

Weep, cry, sob, boo hoo?

Maybe Mike will jump for joy.

Leap, bound, skip … Oh boy!

Maybe he'll eat green eggs and ham.

Politico has decided to scram.

Does Mike really give a damn?"

• In a column about how college basketball officials are overworked, "SJones" writes, "well.....write down the date. A story from this writer who gives us some facts. Finally.....a story from this writer I enjoyed. Not bad after reading his opinion for 20 years. Really. Some investigation went into this article. It gave us facts that I enjoyed learning. Facts. Not a persons opinion who never played a game or officiated hopscotch."

Dear SJones: If I remember my experiences from the Eastern Board Of Approved Hopscotch Officials, if while hopping through the court in either direction a player steps on a line, misses a square or loses balance, the turn ends. The player in question gets called for traveling (not establishing the pivot foot) and the other players get two free throws. The first player to complete one course for every numbered square on the court wins the game.

And it would be a "person's" opinion. Not a "persons" opinion. Your English teacher should get a technical foul.

• In a column about the ECC basketball semifinals from the other night, "Christian8" writes, "I took great offense to Mike DeMauro's article 'NFA gets an A in Chemistry.' I found his article repellant, distasteful and nauseating - the same words he used to describe the East Lyme team.

Dear Christian8: But at least I spelled "DiMauro" and "repellent" correctly. C'mon. I should at least get credit for that.

• In the same column about the ECC semifinals, "bjs5" writes, "Mike, you don't know how nauseating it is to read your editorials … and to be honest I never read them because they're so unintelligent, but someone told me about today's."

Dear bjs5: I won't be heartbroken if you go back to not reading. No, really. You and "Politico" should go to anger management together and vent about your favorite columnist.

This is the opinion of Day sports columnist Mike DiMauro.


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