Spiteful Emmys fashion report

Since my beloved "Mad Men" got the big diss this year at the Emmys (I so wanted the show to break the record for winningest television drama), I'm in a sulk and therefore not going to talk about the award winners.

I hear "Homeland" is fantastic (just ask Obama), and if its big pile of new Emmys is any indicator, I need to get my hands on some boutique cable channels. I've loved Claire Danes since the "My So-Called Life" days, and the fact that she's a Yalie ups her fab factor, BUT she's not Elisabeth Moss, Christina Hendricks or Jon Hamm. Come see me Claire when your show gets three more statues for best drama, OK?

So, we'll talk about my second favorite thing about the awards shows like the Emmys: the clothes.

Here's the thing, I'm technically not a mean person, but the gloves come off when it comes to folks with scads of handlers and dough who still manage to choose abominations like Ginnifer Goodwin's to wear on major primetime television events. All's fair out here in Blogtown when it comes to offering, ahem, constructive criticism to those whose profession requires them to look respectable for our entertainment, am I right?

With all gratitude to Joan Rivers for blazing this path, here's my post-Emmys picks for best and worst dressed celebs. (And yeah, it's mostly women; dudes are a bore when it comes to dressing up.)

The Best

Jessica Pare: Her elegant, single-shoulder white gown rendered her the goddess she aimed to emulate. Classic Hollywood hair and simple accessories made Pare's presentation a textbook example of understated elegance. (It does help to be gorgeous.)

Claire Danes: Sporting this season's "it" color topaz, Danes pulled off pregnant Hollywood chic very, very well. Love the long blonde locks, too.

Julia Louis Dreyfus: Her dress was as much a winner as she was for her role on HBO's "Veep." The garnet red of the gown is a fantastic color for someone with JLD's coloring. The modern neckline and chiffon straps mixed beautifully with the classic Hollywood satin sheath bottom.

Kerry Washington: Hey Kerry, can you please go talk to Lucy Liu about the CORRECT way to wear silver sequins? The cowl neck of Washington's gown is remnant of Boardwalk Empire-era style, and a petite frame like hers easily rocks a color that's tough to wear well.

BUT, could someone have done a little more with Washington's hair? It was a little too simple/"Oh crap I just woke up and I'm late for the Emmys and here I am without a scrunchie" for such a big night out.

Sofia Vergara: You go girl. That is all.

Honorable mention: Hayden Panettiere's peacock blue and gold sari-esque sheath was wearable art. Kudos for red-carpeting outside the box quite tastefully.

The Worst

Lena Dunham: So, what I saw was Old Sturbridge Village meeting with Amish couture on young Lena. For a talent as promising as hers, Dunham could easily take a few GOOD fashion risks (see Hayden Panettiere). Or, at the very least, how about a bracelet? A bag? A tiny dog on a leash? Accessorize girl! And what's with the puss?

Lucy Liu: Several 1970s mirror balls died to make that gown I suspect. Or, perhaps Lucy sent a femme-bot in her place to the Emmys? Either way, that silver number was way too vampy for a formal affair.

Zooey Deschanel: It's enough already with the uber-cute thing. Oh look, we're all dressed up like some doo-wop gal from the '60s. How frightfully hipster ironic!

Julianne Moore: Another lovely lady who needs to fire whoever put this dress on her. For one, yellow is not her color. For two, the bottom half of this gown looks like the table skirts hotels use to make a meeting room look fancy. And third: I'm going to have to presume Moore is afflicted with a dreadful rash, because otherwise why would someone cover up that much in southern California weather?

Ginnifer Goodwin: OK, while technically she can rock this color, that haircut and the weirdo print and cut of this part garden-party part acid trip from hell dress (pimped out with crewel-work? Terry cloth? Velour?) equal a big hot mess. Kinda like the shoes though.

Honorable mention: Morena Baccarin. First of all, who the hell is she? Second, I hated everything about her dress: the cut, the color, the weirdo cleavage, all of it. Step it up lady. Google says you're on "Homeland," which is hereby a big deal. Talk to Claire Danes about clothes next time.

On Notice

Julianna Marguiles: Yes, her dress was certainly different, but is anyone else having flashbacks to the Laura Ashley florals of the '80s? A striking individual like Marguiles should never not wear ruby red with that fabulous skin and hair.

Julie Bowen: Um, I know fluorescents are making an unfortunate comeback, but Bowen's otherwise lovely gown rendered her a gorgeous highlighter. Period.

Heidi Klum: I'm not super interested in seeing that much of her Amazonian legs. Kudos and all, but come on, class it up. Bottom line: Klum's dress — color included — was remnant of one of Captain Kirk's squeezes on Star Trek...and not in a good way.

January Jones: Wha happon? Here we have a gorgeous woman apparently trapped in a mess of church-hat tulle. I can go along with the top portion of the dress — it's a little bit Goth, and little bit rock and roll, love the deep V neckline — but the bottom half really only belongs in an off-Broadway revival of Tim Burton's "Beetlejuice."

Christina Hendricks: Love her, don't love the dress. Apparently the voluptuous Hendricks was sewn into this too-tight dress in which her bosoms teetered on the precipice of wardrobe malfunction. Put the gown's white-silver color up against white walls and we've got a floating redhead bopping around the red carpet, no thanks to that porcelain skin.

Honorable mention: Aaron Paul, we love you on "Breaking Bad." Your Emmy is well-deserved, but please don't test our love by pairing a tan bowtie with a black jacket ever again. Zach Quinto, you too.

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