New London — The typical rapist is a creepy older guy who drives around in a van and targets pretty young girls who wear sexy clothes, right?

Wrong.

Students at New London High School heard Thursday that stereotypes can be misleading, that the majority of victims know their rapists, and that in many cases, the abuser is a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse.

They heard also that even if a younger teen consents to having sex with an older teen, it's still illegal and could land the older teen in prison or on the sex offender registry. 

After watching a movie depicting a girl who gave in to an insistent boyfriend after he told her, while lying on top of her, that he "needed" to have sex, the class talked about how "no means no." 

"Each one of you deserves a healthy relationship with people who respect your boundaries," educator Kris Wraight told students during the eighth and final installment of the Healthy Relationship/Teen Dating Violence Prevention program. "We're not here to lecture you. We're doing this so you guys know the boundaries and consequences."

Wraight and her fellow educators Nicole Broadus and Patrick Sheehan-Gaumer work for Safe Futures, the New London-based organization that provides services to victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. Safe Futures offers prevention programs at several area elementary, middle and high schools.

New London High School Health/Physical Education Teacher Tom Rafferty, no stranger to discussing difficult topics with students, said he has brought the Safe Futures educators into his classroom for the past decade.

"They stay up with what's going on in the community and the kids," Rafferty said. "They keep it relevant to the kids' lives. They allow the kids to share their viewpoint whether they're right or wrong."

Mixing references to popular culture, including disrepectful slang words such as "Thot" and "Ho" into their lessons, the educators asked students to think about misleading messages imparted in music, movies and sexually suggestive advertisements for liquor.

"Someone can't consent to sex when they're drunk," Sheehan-Gaumer said.

Broadus told the class that 60 percent of sexual assaults don't get reported. Victims are ashamed or afraid they won't be believed, and the investigative process, including a physical examination, can be invasive. Better to say something before going into a bedroom with somebody, she suggested.

"Having conversations about sex is a little bit awkward," Broadus said. "But that's the best way to get to know somebody. If that initial conversation is so uncomfortable for you, my advice for you is you hold off on having sex."

Wraight said the educators often hear from adults who wish they had attended the program when they were young. A "dating bingo" game helps the students think about what they want in a relationsip and reflect on their own self-worth, she said. They watch a movie called "Crossing the Line" that explores forms of abuse, and discusses the meaning of the phrases "real men" and "real women."

"We spend a lot of time trying to unpack the gender stereotypes," Wraight said. "One of our main goals is just to remind young people they're important and deserve to be treated like that."

Some students listened in silence Thursday while others piped up often. Wraight told them at the beginning of class to take a break if they needed one.

Sophomore Yolanda Scaniffe said she talks to her mother about dating issues, so the topic is not embarassing for her. She said she learned from the discussion of boundaries.

"They taught me, for example, that I can't text a person all day long," Scaniffe said.

"I learned how a woman feels about relationships, how you should read a woman's demeanor," said Rah'Mek Roberts, a junior.

D'Aundre Eccleston, a senior, said he feels comfortable talking about dating issues at home but still enjoyed listening in class.

"I just feel like it's giving everyone someone to go to if they don't feel comfortable," he said. "Everyone one, sooner or later, will come across an uncomfortable situation."

Senior Daija Cruz said dating is "all kids ever talk about, even in middle school," and that the messages imparted in the Healthy Relationship program are "extremely important."

"It did open my eyes on some things," she said. "It teaches you to think before you do certain things."

Safe Futures' 24-hour crisis hotline can be reached at (860) 701-6000.

k.florin@theday.com

Twitter: @KFLORIN