We are the enemy of the people, except when you need us

OK.

Uncle.

White flag.

Surrender.

It’s time to give the 45th President of the United States exactly what he wants.

No more fake news.

Actually, no more news at all for a while.

Yep. Time for all newspapers in this country to shut it down. A few weeks, maybe. No more newspaper at the doorstep in the morning, no more websites to air pithy social commentary. Just a well-deserved hiatus for the ink-stained wretches who produce, what the 45th President of the United States calls a product that’s “fake and disgusting.”

What, we can’t call the man’s bluff?

The residual effect might be interesting.

And perhaps awaken a few of the sycophants who think with their mouths and subscribe to the “fake news” narrative.

To wit:

• Hope your kid doesn’t get the game-winning hit, score the game-winning basket or throw a touchdown pass with five seconds left. Nobody there to cover the game, describe the details, show the photo of the celebration or provide scrapbook fodder.

No newspaper today.

Fake news.

• Too bad about Uncle Morty, who just died at 92. Lived an exemplary life. War hero, father of five, volunteer at the homeless shelter. Uncle Morty’s family could have written quite the obituary. When’s the wake and funeral? You’ll have to go to the funeral home’s website.

No newspaper today.

Fake news.

• Sox just swept the Yanks? You’ll have to go to Twitter and read the musings of Tom, Dick and Harry, some of whom can actually spell “Tom,” “Dick” and “Harry.” Or perhaps learn about the game from team websites. No Boston Globe there with a game story, column, sidebar and notebook. No Dan Shaughnessy calling it the Reverse Boston Massacre. No New York Post calling the Yankees choking dogs.

No newspaper today.

Fake news.

• Say. Have you noticed the way local government has become so efficient, scheduling all kinds of meetings, hirings and firings? Because there’s nothing, save a gadfly or two, to hold local government accountable. And where would the gadflies unburden themselves with what they’ve learned anyway?

No newspaper today.

Fake news.

• Time for the daily crossword? Where are today’s funnies? Guess you’ll have to buy books with crosswords and comics.

No newspaper today.

Fake news.

• Who won? Who died? Who got arrested? Ah, yes. The three primary reasons people pick up the newspaper. Guess you’ll need to rely on word of mouth.

No newspaper today.

Fake news.

• Can you believe those snowflakes bashing our 45th President so unfairly? Why, it’s time to go into the basement and post reader comments telling the world what’s what. Guess you’ll have to post to Twitter or Facebook.

No newspaper today.

Fake news.

• You know of a corrupt politician? Local leader you suspect of being a pedophile? Better call congress. Nobody at the newspaper to investigate.

No newspaper today.

Fake news.

• What sports are on TV tonight? Better call the cable company. No other avenue.

No newspaper today.

Fake news.

• Paul the Parakeet must have had prunes for dinner last night. Seems to be a machine right now. What’s left to line the bottom of the birdcage? Paper towels? Not the newspaper.

No newspaper today.

Fake news.

But please, by all means, continue to trumpet the 45th President’s rhetoric. Get your “real” news from the 45th President’s Twitter account and other social media sites that perpetually and happily move nothing forward, but merely suit, service, reinforce and intensify their audiences' predispositions and prejudices.

From the left and right, by the way.

A wise man once said that news “is what somebody somewhere wants to suppress.” Hmmm. Is it possible that “somebody somewhere” lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.?

Let’s give the 45th President what he wants.

For a while, anyway.

Meantime, perhaps we can ponder the words of Kipling, who once wrote an ode to newspapers that went, “I keep six honest serving men; they taught me all I knew; their names are what and why and when; and how and where and who.”

But then, remember: We are the enemy of the people.

Except when you need us.

Which is pretty much every day.

This is the opinion of Day sports columnist Mike DiMauro

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