Try to follow along:

1. We've given up. Humiliation is inevitable.

2. That explains why our house is now equipped with several state of the security cameras, which we ordered from the Department of Homeland Security. These were paid for by diverting FEMA funds originally allocated to help fix Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria, but when only seven people died during that squall, plenty of cash became available.

3. Anyway, the idea of placing security cameras in every room and crevice of our home is proactive. As my wife can tell you — and would happily do so — I tend, in the presumptive privacy of our domicile, to break into odd dances or belch loudly or sing kooky songs about how great I am into our dog's ears. These activities thankfully stop short of nudity, but I will admit to screeched filibusters of profanity directed at the meteorologists whose now-daily reports focus exclusively on how much Humidity we're going to have. From now on, apparently.

4. Because every human in the modern world seems destined at some point to be captured on a cell phone or security camera doing something moronic, the footage of which will be immediately uploaded to social media, where it will go viral, said human's life will be ruined.

5. My plan is to just go ahead and post my own videos of me behaving like a fool and beat the rest of the world to the punch.

6. There's a reason Hell and Humidity both start with "H."

7. It was someone's cell camera, by the way, at a recent campaign event, that recorded some fat guy running for governor of Pennsylvania. The proud candidate condescendingly responded to an 18-year-old's intelligent and caring question about climate change (and his curious servitude to fossil-fuel interests) by suggesting that, because humans give off heat, that sorta explains climate change.

8. Isn't that what politicians do now? They open their mouths, exhale steamy air indirectly creating humidity, and inevitably say something profoundly cretinous — which is then immediately shared with the world via social media.

9. If the porcine Pennsylvania gubernatorial dude had equipped his own home with security cameras, they would've captured his goofy in-home prep sessions — where his stooges asked standard questions about stuff like climate change — and realized his answers were ill-prepared, deranged, and stupid. Then he could've preemptively posted them online BEFORE he went to the campaign rally and went viral insulting a concerned student.

10. I will now read this column aloud in my living room for our security cameras, then upload them to Facebook and Tweeter and Insta-ham and other such media. Prepare for a blast of humidity.