Here are some hard things to do:

1. Ascend Mount Everest with no bottled oxygen, wearing KISS-style platforms and sipping from a quart of cheap tequila

2. That whole "be a Navy SEAL" thing

3. Black Friday shopping

4. Single-handedly eliminate an entire thriving biological species using only a slingshot

Number 3 particularly scares me and I must ask: Did you in fact survive Black Friday yesterday? Thankfully, I came through a bit sleepy but otherwise unscathed, although admittedly I take advantage of the less-populated Black Friday opportunities:

1. At 3:47 a.m., I arrived at Big Danno's Heavy Equipment and bought my wife, Eileen, the Liebherr 9800 Mining Excavator she's wanted for so long. She insists there's a rich vein of tin under our backyard.

2. Hit the gun shop at 4:14 a.m. and scored a few modified AR-15s — the Stephen Paddock signature model — because you can't have too much protection in these times. And they're admittedly cute under the tree!

3. At 5:07 a.m. I joined a huge throng at the 7-Eleven on Broad Street in New London to buy scratch-offs. Crazy! Then I remembered that happens EVERY day there.

3. At 7 a.m. I was at the U.S. border near Tijuana on a secret mission from a surprisingly beneficent President Trump. Inspired by his pardoning of the Thanksgiving turkey, he sent me down to dispense "free access" passes to certain members of the Caravan. I weeded out all gang thugs, "bad hombres," ISIS members and other Muslims, shifty-eyed murderers, dope-mules, career convicts and Santeria witches. Only six people were left — but, like many of the Nazis at Charlotte, they were "good people," so Welcome to America!

On my way home for a nap, I passed the collective smoking wreckage called "post-dawn Black Friday" near Crystal Mall, Target and Best Buy. And the ruins inspired some ideas I wish I'd though of in October:  

1. Black Friday food trucks that cruise these locales at 3 a.m., selling turkey dinners to the people standing in lines since, obviously, they didn't actually get to have Thanksgiving dinner.

2. Black Friday Mobile Treatment Center Vans cruising around at 5 a.m. When impatient maniacs — er, customers — smash through the glass storefronts and start violent riots in order to buy presents to celebrate Christ's birthday, my crews will be on hand to stitch wounds, provide succor and start several new Oxy addictions through liberal dispensation of heavy-duty painkillers.

3. And, just to maintain our PC standards: Henceforth, the post-Thanksgiving shopping Friday shall rotate colors. Black Friday will be followed in successive years by Green Friday, Orange Friday, Ochre Friday, Gray Friday, Pink Friday, Beige Friday, and so on.