There are dozens of advice columns across the spectrum of newspapers, magazines and the internet. And they promise sound recommendations for all sorts of troubles and perplexities citizens face every day.

But I've never run across an advice column providing counsel specifically for Evil-Doers, which strikes me as odd. I'd think someone like Aleister Crowley or Charles Manson or certainly Ted Bundy could've dispensed seasoned guidance to Evil-Doers and had a hearty demographic of loyal readers.

Well, it occurs to me that I'm the ideal person to write an advice column for Evil-Doers — not because I myself do bad things, but because I've seen all the titles in the "Saw," "Halloween," "Friday XIII" and "Hostel" franchises, and also because I once bought some goofer dust in an authentic voodoo shop.

"What are you going to do with this?" the Voodoo Shop Owner asked suspiciously.

"I dunno," I shrugged. "It just seems like a handy thing to have around."

"Do you know what it is?"

"Graveyard dirt mixed with the grease from a church bell," I answered crisply.

"And, more importantly, do you know what power it has?"

"Uhm, no."

Later, thankfully, the Voodoo Shop Owner was able to reverse the spell I'd put on myself and all the foot-long pea-green fur dropped off my ears and out of my nose.

Anyway, Rick's "Don't Be Sad, Creeps" advice column is soon to be open for business. I haven't secured a syndication deal yet, so I can't actually print any of the questions I've received, but I don't think it would hurt if I shared a few of the answers I've penned for those letters. Just to give you a taste, so to speak.

1. "Dear Catchy Name: Unfortunately, 'Green River Killer' has already been taken. And how many victims did you say there are so far?"

2. "Dear Planner: You probably should have bought and put out the dry food for Mopsy and Mittens, then gotten your cavity, and THEN strapped on the IED."

3. "Dear Rookie Sorcerer: Any attempts to communicate with those particular ancient deities requires a certain purification regimen as per The Pythia and certain Dionysian fertility rituals. As for the second part of the question, I'm afraid excising a human heart with a stone knife at the altar on top of the pyramid is NOT a step you can 'sorta skip over,' as you put it."

4. "Dear Optimist: Sorry. Even chewing gum 'counts as stealing.'"

5. "Dear Dark Mechanic: You're an idiot. LOOSEN the Ferris wheel bolts while the amusement park is closed. Don't try to remove them completely while passengers are getting on the ride."

6. "Dear Undecided: I'd go with the flamethrower."