Long before he became famous for opening the virtual concert in celebration of the Biden/Harris inauguration Wednesday, Bruce Springsteen wrote a song in which he belied the lack of meaningful television content. It's called "57 Channels (and Nothin' On)."

Technically, I believe the song may have been more about consumerism inasmuch as Bruce and "his baby" move to the Hollywood Hills, in the fashion of many suddenly-wealthy Jed Clampetts before them, and buy a lot of Rich Person accoutrements. In the end, Bruce being Bruce, he realizes his folly and, buying a gun, blows his television set(s) up.

The point is that, in the pandemic, we have all spent a lot more time watching television, and I'd hardly be the first to suggest there are now 6,000 channels to choose from and there's LOTS on.

So why, then, do network visionaries so often rely on the same weary formulas? How many more spinoffs can their be? 

I wrote to the execs of several networks offering my services as a show runner — which is a TV term I heard from my colleague Kristy Dorsey. She actually knows what a "show runner" is, and futiley tried to explain it to me. In any case, to my surprise, a big shot got back to me. He said "Television IS spinoffs" and, if I could work within that reality, he'd be happy to look at some of my ideas for show. Here are a few:

1. "Food Network Host Surivival Challenge" — This program has nothing to do with cooking. Rather, it's a reality program in which, on each episode, three regular Food Network hosts or those horrible guest personalities are dragged before a panel of "real citizen" judges. Each of the food people, selected for a singular ability to irritate, then has five minutes to plea for his or her life. The loser of that episode is dragged off and never heard from again.

2. "NCIS Rural Vermont" — This will be the 26th spinoff of the popular drama where investigators solve crimes relating to Naval and Marine personnel. The charm of "NCIS Rural Vermont" is that there aren't any Navy or Marine bases nearby. It's a crime-free hour! This also serves to distract from the rather heavy cumulative toll implied from the other shows in the franchise — that, if the NCIS shows reflect reality, the most dangerous places on earth are Naval and Marine facilities. Those people are murder-happy kooks!

3. "Maine Cabin Destroyers" — A crew of whiskey-bent demolition amateurs will follow the path of the light-hearted and popular crew of home renovators on "Maine Cabin Builders." After each cabin is renovated on "Builders," the cast of "Destroyers" will show up a few weeks later and trash the place.

4. "Dr. Pimple Popper in the ER" — That the original program "Dr. Pimple Popper" ever got off the ground to begin with is indicative of our sad times. In this twist, the doc gets work as an army surgeon on the front lines in Afghanistan.

5. "The Masked Puppeteer" — Celebs in elaborate masks operate sock puppets in intense Charades battles. The big reveal? In the finale, the "winner" pulls off his mask. It's Anne Burrell, the spiky-haired chef from the Food Network, running for her life after escaping "Food Network Host Survival Challenge."