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thedayct ·

Rick's List 3 - 27 - 21

You know how the go-to descriptor for someone in a frenzy is to say he or she is "foaming at the mouth" (often followed by "like a rabid dog")?

Well, that two-part metaphor is outdated and has been officially retired by the Society to Keep Clichés Fresh and Clever (SKCFC), and they've reached out to ask if I'd come up with a new "frenzied" metaphor to replace "foaming at the mouth (like a rabid dog)." And the SPCA asked that I not use "rabid (any animal)." Fair enough.

How about: "(Something or someone is) as frenzied as a Young Person waiting in line to buy the latest iPhone"?

Spot on! Have you ever SEEN a Young Person waiting in line to buy the latest iteration of an iPhone? It's, ah, frenzied. They swarm with such intensity that a ramdomly approaching pack of rabid dogs would race away at top speed, going so fast that the madness-foam at their muzzles would fly off like cotton candy in a wind tunnel!

Unlike most folks, my iPhone frightens me. It's too much. At first, I thought it would be wild to have a phone the size of a tarot card — one whose properties are so visionary and technically advanced they seem to have been designed by George Jetson, Ray Bradbury, Industrial Light & Magic, and the Manhattan Project.

But ... the Apple folks have programmed all sorts of stuff they don't tell you about or that make no sense. For example:

1. I get an alert that says, "You need to pee. How can you not know this?"

2. I get another alert that says, "Hey! The latest model of iPhone comes out in 22 minutes! Buy or die ... buy or die!"

3. And yet another alert: "Thank you for activating the algorithm that shuts off the water at the Hoover Dam."

4. When I hold my iPhone like any normal person — thumb on one thin edge, fingers on the other edge — the design of the device is such that I'm probably pressing buttons on both edges of the phone. Depending on which buttons of the variable possibilities — and remember, I'm just HOLDING the phone, as opposed to making it DO anything — I somehow dial 911!

Suddenly, I hear a tense voice over the iPhone speaker, "What's your emergency?"

Me: "Huh?"

Operator: "Sir, you dialed 911. What's your emergency?"

Me (thinking, I didn't dial ANYONE. I was just carrying my iPhone): "Um, I didn't mean to."

Operator, suspiciously: "Is someone holding a weapon on you? If so, just say, 'Nice day, isn't it?'"

Me: "It IS a nice day. Finally, after all this crap weather —"

Operator, hollering: "ALL UNITS! HOSTAGE SITUATION!"

After I posted bail for calling in a false emergency, my iPhone was returned to me and I tried to turn it on so I could call my wife and get a ride home. Musta hit the wrong buttons, though. Remember what I said about the Manhattan Project being part of the intial design?

5. The sky flashed a blinding white and a shock wave warped time and space and a gargantuan mushroom cloud appeared on the horizon.

6. I'd call THAT an emergency, but I couldn't dial 911 because the phone melted and, oh, yeah, I was atomized.