Judging from some of the holiday gift catalogs emailed to me, and presumably other outdoor writers, we’re a smelly, stressed-out, spaced-out band of misfits.

That may be true, but some of the stuff they’re hawking has me scratching my head and saying, “Huh?”

Take a perfume sold by a company I’ll call Zeeha Fragrances — (I’ve changed all the names.)

Here’s a message from a Zeeha spokeswoman named Chelsea:

“Hi, Steve! Hope all is well! I wanted to check in to see if you are interested in featuring Zeeha — such a great brand that creates all natural, oil based scents (no alcohol!) that work with your natural chemistry (!!!) to create your own unique scent! PLUS — they moisturize the skin, too!”

Let’s stop right there. I already have a unique scent, and trust me, after a few days on the trail without a shower, I don’t think there’s enough Zeeha in the world to make me fit for socializing, let alone exude an appealing fragrance.

As for the next online retailer, I went to the company website because I was sure it was a hoax. I’m still not certain it’s bona fide, but I felt a little creepy poking around in cyberspace for a product called MarshButt Underwear (again, not the exact name, but close enough).

Here’s a description:

“For the man who has everything including a sweaty backside, please buy MarshButt Underwear. It is made here in the USA from fabric that wicks away sweat for faster drying and controls odor or as we call it 'stank butt.’ From visible butt sweat on pants to leaving a nice wet butt-print on furniture, there are few faux-pas that get offenders removed from the guest list faster than the salty signature of a wet butt print. We blazed this socially uncomfortable trail already, so you don’t have to.”

Next, we have Pit Booze, promising to “soothe your armpits with all natural whiskey! Samples available!”

The pitch continues, “With Pit Booze, you can enjoy the naturally odor-subduing benefits of hard liquor with scents that are sure to keep the peace in the New Year. This sustainable deodorant is crafted with overproof whiskey and vodka for its bacteria killing abilities and vegan food-grade ingredients for a safe, toxin-free formula without any lingering booze smell.”

Just curious: Which is worse — showing up at the office with overpowering b.o., or reeking of scotch?

OK, enough about olfactory offenses. How about something to promote inner peace, because, as we all know, there’s nothing more stressful than communing with nature in The Great Outdoors.

This from the Starlight Jewels Co.:

“What do you get someone who just wants a calmer 2022? Maybe you or loved ones could use a little centering in their life. Help them manifest their dreams for the new year by gifting them with handmade crystal infused candles and bath products from Starlight Jewels Co.”

Once again, Chelsea — she must get around — makes her pitch:

“Encourage them to create a positive ritual by lighting this gorgeous candle and practicing its affirmation each night.”

Another publicist, Victoria, promises, “These nourishing oils and therapeutic bath salts are the perfect, focused stress-relief after a long day at the office, hosting guests for the holidays, or spending the day on a hiking trail.”

Question: How come I’ve never seen ads for nourishing oils or therapeutic bath salts in Field & Stream or American Frontiersman magazines?

Then there’s StressAway, “the first portable, palm-sized device designed to help you naturally regulate your stress responses so you can boost your stress resilience and simply be more you, by using sonic frequencies to soothe your nervous system.”

StressAway “can be used as part of a daily routine; or as your go-to life hack to manage stressful situations like work or family gatherings, fear of flying or encounters with sabertooth tigers,” the brochure advises.

Anyway, here’s hoping you don’t run into any sabertooth tigers, or worse, wind up with a gift pair of MarshButt skivvies.

Of course, astute readers can probably identify the real company names easily enough through an internet search, but I’ll resist being more specific.

In order to maintain journalistic integrity, I never mention brand names or made product endorsements, even refusing to extoll the sumptuous elegance, superior performance and exquisite handling of the Mercedes-Maybach S-Class sedan. Frankly, I would be insulted if the luxury automaker decided to gift me their top-of-the-line model.

By the way, does it come with kayak racks?

Happy Holidays, everybody.