Do you suppose anyone in America today actually utilizes the entire family to create a start-from-scratch Thanksgiving Feast Experience? I mean, the WHOLE DEAL?

You awaken at dawn and gather the kiddos to help to execute the family turkey!

“Little Caden, flip the turkey upside-down and shackle his feet into the conveyor belt. No, Caden, don’t weep. This bird is NOT Dougie, the turkey you’ve raised since he was hatched. Dougie’s, ah, flown to be with HIS relatives at Thanksgiving!

“Now, Little Britney, do you have the spritzer gun with the electrified water that will paralyze Dou — er, this unknown turkey —”

EDITOR’S NOTE: At this point we redacted further details of the gruesome but admittedly accurate slaughtering process in the American poultry industry. We now return you to the column.

The point is, there are no more field-to-table cornucopic Thanksgiving experiences. Time and convenience have made entitled feasters of us all. Why, did you know Popeyes is offering deep-fried Cajun turkeys for Thanksgiving?

It’s true. Certain participating franchises will prepare a turkey for you. I think some of the Popeyes locations will even deliver.

What the Popeyes solution means is that you can plop on the couch by 9 a.m., drinking Bloody Mary’s. This in part enables you to transform any future recollections of certain “remind me again why they’re invited?” guests into only slightly queasy wisps of memory.

And … the meal itself! If you’ve never had a deep-fried Cajun turkey, well, the taste is a Tabasco-spangled delight that far transcends the beloved “Mom and Dad always made it this way but come to think of it, it’s sorta boring” holiday repast.

This is also NOT a commercial for Popeyes.

There are plenty of businesses who will do your Thanksgiving cooking for you; I only mentioned Popeyes because they’re fast-food — as opposed to boutique and artisanal prepared-meals caterers whose careers are based around the creation by trained chefs of high-end cuisine.

It also makes me wonder if other chain restaurants and less obvious food purveyors will try to emulate the “Let US make your special meal” blueprint. I foresee several scenarios.

∎ The Local Hospital Cafeteria’s Thanksgiving Delight — the nutrition-happy crew at the infirmary now makes three-times the normal patient load of creamed turkey, dime-sized bites of smashed green beans, and pumpkin-flavored yogurt. That way, civilians can swing through the hospital’s new drive-through, load up on tasty goodies, and it’s off to grandmother’s house they go!

∎ Grinnin’ Hobie’s Sunoco T-giving Specials — It’s a long, crowded highway in front of you, so who’s got time to cook? Stop by Grinnin’ Hobie’s, fill up on petrol, and check out his holiday vending machine specials. They include giblet pretzels, microwavable marshmallow/raisin pudding, and small batch Pumpkin-Spiced Fritos.

∎ Papa John’s Turkey ‘n’ Dressing ‘n’ Pepperoni Thin Crust Pizza — The secret’s in the tomato sauce.

∎ The I-95 Exit 67 Rest Stop Girl Scout Turkey Flavored Cookies Stand — Dessert, anybody?

∎ Taco Bell’s Taco-furkey Bonanza — A huge glob of seasoned ground beef, tofu, beans, nacho cheese sauce, shredded lettuce and diced tomatoes all smashed into a turkey-shaped mold, then served with chips and pumpkin dip.

Any or all these options should help you arrive safely at your Thanksgiving destination with plenty of sure-thing culinary contributions. Oh, and if you should see a scared turkey racing down the highway as though pursued by all the demons of hell? Rescue him and give him a good home. It’s Dougie. He made it to freedom.