The Connecticut Maritime Heritage Festival takes place Saturday and Sunday in New London at Fort Trumbull and on the city’s waterfront, and, regarding the activities, I’m going to quote directly from the press release:

“This fun-filled weekend has military and private ships, Flock Theatre’s Burning of Benedict Arnold, the Little Mermaids and Sea Monsters Parade, Coast Guard Helicopter Search and Rescue Demonstration, Sea Service Showdown – a Maritime Skills Challenge, a fishing clinic, a kids’ nautical zone, rum-tasting, live music, local vendors, food trucks, and more!”

If you think I couldn’t take THOSE elements and make a hell of an action film, you have no imagination, and you don’t know MY imagination.

Let’s see: a disgruntled private-ship sailor takes over the Navy’s display submarine, activates the nuclear missiles and heads for Washington D.C. with menace in mind! An increasingly powerful sea wind blows a spark from the fake-Benedict Arnold stake-burning and the entire city goes up like it’s just another day in the California forests! A bitter Little Mermaid who was left off the cheerleading squad leads the entire parade on a march into the sea! Fortunately, Glenn Powell, fresh from not dying in “Twisters,” rallies the Coasty Helicopter Rescue Squad and they divert to save the drowning parade participants – but the strong sea wind has morphed into a cruel Nor’easter and, well, you know that horrible scene in “The Perfect Storm”? Of course you do! THAT happens.

Just kidding. It’s going to be an excellent, safe, maritimey weekend with great music and food and no children will be allowed at sneak behind the bar at the rum-tasting. For a complete schedule, go to ctmaritimefest.com.

Connecticut Maritime Heritage Festival, 10 a.m.-8:15 p.m. Sat. and 10 a.m.-4 p.m. Sun., Fort Trumbull and New London Waterfront Park; free ctmaritimefest.com.