It would, I'd imagine, go something like this:

Me: "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been too long since my last confession."

Father: "What would you like to confess?"

Me: "It's a doozy, Father."

Father: "Gimme a little credit here."

Me: "Right. Well, it's like this: I'm a fan of Derek Jeter."

Father: "Been watching Olbermann, I take it?"

Me: "Yes."

Father: "Chris Carlin?

Me: "Yes."

Father: "Some of those New York baseball writers?"

Me: "Yes."

Father: "Wow. All that? You've already done your penance."

Me: "Thank you, Father."

Father: "No worries. And remember, 'Derek Jeter' and 'Dear Jesus' have the same initials."

Me: "Right."

Seriously now, folks. I can't stand it. With all the gypsies, tramps and thieves polluting sports in the last week, they go after Jeter, who is one of - the few, the proud - the good guys?

Really?

I suppose we could consider the sources. You have Olbermann, who trashed Jeter the other night, the same guy who never summoned the courage to rip Don Imus while they were both at MSNBC, instead waiting for the Rutgers women's basketball flap to grandstand. How heroic.

Then there's Carlin, the voice of Rutgers sports, who called Jeter a "fraud." This from the same guy who couldn't quite find the same vitriol for Mike Rice, the abusive men's basketball coach, Julie Hermann, Rutgers' athletic director who wished death to the Newark Star-Ledger or any of the other bits of dysfunction emanating from the State University of New Jersey.

Who's the fraud, Chris?

Or a few of those crack New York baseball writers, who do self-importance better than Olivier did King Lear. Nothing like trying to cash in on Jetermania by trying to prove you're the toughest guy in the press box. I'm not sure if they're attention starved, terminal contrarians or, in the words of Paul Keating, "shivers looking for a spine to run up."

Guess it doesn't matter.

Although it doesn't end there. The stat geeks have been after Jeter since about his third ring. Imagine: The guy is sixth in career hits, 10th in career runs scored. He's been to 14 All-Star games, won a Rookie of the Year, a World Series MVP, five Gold Gloves, and was the centerpiece of 13 division winners, seven American League championship teams and five World Series champs.

And yet they've killed him faithfully for his alleged lack of range, as if the path of a ground ball has any relationship whatsoever with a compound fraction. All I remember about his defense is risking his face to dive in the stands to win a game, the flip play to Posada and never fumbling a ground ball when it counted.

But then, why should hits, runs scored and iconic plays count anymore when there are derivatives and multivariables suggesting otherwise?

It's astonishing.

I've called Jeter the best shortstop in the history of baseball. Want to argue? See you at Mr. G's. But even if you disagree, there's no denying Jeter's not far down the list. And yet, whether it's Yankee bashing, contrarianism, grandstanding, or just a few dim bulbs who won't ever lecture at Yale, the greatest example of what we'd want a pro athlete to be gets trashed at an alarming pace.

The good news is that Jeter needs nobody to defend him. I'm pretty sure that when Michael Jordan shows up Yankee Stadium in your honor that you don't really need to care what a few dullards think. But wouldn't it be nice if some of these people showed similar moral outrage over the people who actually show up on police blotters?

El Capitan bids farewell to Yankee Stadium tonight. All Yankee fans want is to say goodbye to a good, decent man, to a great baseball player who not only reminds them of happier times, but is the best example for our kids.

Here's what I'll tell my son: Next time you're confused about how to act on or off the field, ask yourself: WWJD ... What Would Jeter Do?

The rest of you: Stay in your underground troll caverns. Tired act.

This is the opinion of Day sports columnist Mike DiMauro.

Twitter: @BCgenius