Da Vinci. Einstein. Spinoza. Leibnitz. Marie Curie. Bach. Hefty minds, indeed.

For my money, though, the greatest genius who ever lived was the guy (or girl) who came up with the idea of changing the phrase “used cars” to “pre-owned cars.” This person is a visionary giant who, with one simple stroke, altered the course of Humankind for the better. When I first heard “pre-owned car,” it so sparkled and resonated that I no longer WANTED a new car. I

prefer the prestige of “pre-owned.”

In this context, I was morosely pondering the overall failure of corporate marketing just as, by chance, a pamphlet arrived from the Viking River Cruises folks. The Danube! The Rhine! The Seine! Gorgeous tributaries that have burbled and coursed through cities and landscapes that date back to antiquity!

I’ve no idea how we got on the mailing list. THAT’S a waste of a stamp, Viking River People. We could no more afford one of your cruises than, well, a pre-owned car. But! It did spur me to try and come up with a few fresh marketing ideas that might energize consumers.

1 Filet Mignon Kitchens: You know how charitable folks help feed the needy via gratis soup kitchens? These are noble projects even if large portions of the populace feel as though such programs lure a steady parade of the homeless into town. What, though, if a secret cabal of rich people in the community placed millions of dollars in a self-sustaining trust to provide free meals of salmon and filet mignon on a daily basis for the underprivileged? The catch? The Filet Kitchen is ... IN ANOTHER CITY!

2 Balloons, hot dogs, and retired ball players signing black and white, 8-by-10 photos: Yes, I know. These have long been used to promote furniture store or grocery openings or places where you can buy pre-owned automobiles. But what if a funeral home or colonoscopy clinic employed them as devices to cheer customers up?

3Septic River Cruises: Now THIS I can afford! Spread your sleeping bag on the curling vinyl floor of the custom-renovated (pre-owned) aluminum houseboat and enjoy a relaxed voyage down such septic waterways as West Java’s Citarum River (the most polluted in the world); Argentina’s Matanza-Riachuelo River (where numerous slaughterhouses and tanneries dump offal and chemicals straight into the flow); or China’s Yellow River (into which four billion tons of raw sewage are dumped yearly). More fun? The unlimited canned deviled ham buffet, an open Boone’s Farm Raspberry Wine Fountain, and live music from the guy who used to play keyboards for Jim Croce.