And now for another installment from Columnist Of The People (COTP), otherwise known as a pathetic Dear Abby-knockoff for casual sports fans.

Only today, COTP reverts to its core constituency: sports fans. Yes. You, the sports fan, get COTP's pithy advice to combat the bane of our favorite way to pass the time: watch sports.

OK. Picture this. You are at the ballpark. Batting practice is over. You took a bathroom break during infield practice and returned with a hot dog and 16 ounces of euphoric nectar. The field looks resplendent, emerald green grass under the azure blue sky. Almost Rockwellian. The stadium organ is playing "Saturday In The Park" by Chicago, one of your favorite songs. Maybe it's actually Saturday. And you are in the park. Perfect.

The organ stops.

Starting lineups are announced.

And then it happens.

The phone rings.

Or this:

You are home. Alone. Blissfully alone. No kids, no spouse. Just you, your favorite beverage, a snack ... and the ballgame. You are just about to weep tears of joy.

And then it happens.

The phone rings.

Ugh. It is your bestie. Your mom. Someone you care for. Double ugh.

You know this happens all the time.

And this is where COTP comes to the rescue with The Sports Fan's Guide To Delicate Ways To Get Out Of Untimely Conversations.

Remember: Non-sports fans do not care about the game. They'd rather join in the aforementioned phone call. You do not have to yell, 'Can't you see I'm watching the game?'"

Besides, you only add to the stereotypical sports fan image by yelling that. It doesn't actually help. Not ever.

So this is COTP's list of relatively believable excuses that will politely excuse you from the phone call and allow you to get back to the game.

• "They're about to play the Star Spangled Banner and I don't want to be rude."

• "I can't believe it. My mother just pulled into the driveway. Gotta go." (Provided the caller isn't your mom, this should work. Most people defer to your mom.)

• "My dryer just went off. I've got to change the load over or we won't have any clean underwear." (And what's life, really, without clean underwear?)

• "I just saw a fire truck drive down the street. That never happens. Do you mind if I let you go to see what's going on? I'd hate to miss a catastrophe." (This is very believable for the same reason people rubberneck on the highway.)

• "I'm sure you totally understand, but my wife is next to me watching the Season 5 of "Orange is the New Black" on the computer and she's sending me death stares every time I say a word." (We've all been here.)

• "My house phone is ringing. It could my parents. Something might be wrong."

• "Would you look at that? Storm clouds overhead. And all my windows are open. I need to go shut them."

• "*Crash!* Uh, I'm not sure what happened, but my kids may have just made a small explosion outside. I need to go see what's happening."

• "Ugh. Catholic Charities is calling. I always feel so guilty if I don't pick up."

• "I'll call you back in 10 minutes." (Someone actually did this to COTP a few months ago on a Monday and didn't call back until Friday.)

• Start a fictitious argument. Like: "Hold on for a minute. Can't you see I'm on the phone? I don't care if it's your turn on the computer. I'm trying to talk here ... sorry, I have to and settle this with the kids. They're just impossible!"

• "I'm having a colonoscopy tomorrow and, you know, that stuff is kicking in!" (This is called saving the best for last).

OK. So you don't have to take COTP's word for it. But subtle letdowns are always better than yelling.

This is the opinion of the COTP and does not necessarily reflect the views of Day sports columnist Mike DiMauro