Why don’t we just accept that the 2016 Presidential election is essentially about which of the candidates most efficiently eschews Truth in All Its Forms. That we as information-starved citizens need our media sources to employ staffers to do nothing more than count lies candidates routinely spew — including graphics and algorithms that calculate the Audacious Degree of each falsehood (as per PolitiFact’s “Pants on Fire” assignation for the most egregious) — is shameful.

It’s also fun.

Yes, I realize that ghostly emetic noise you hear is Honest Abe retching from The Great Beyond. But I’ve come to relish the up-to-the-moment Fib Quotient. And it’s only going to get more desperate. I’d like to proudly offer my services as a Professional Fabricator — to the highest bidder, of course. Here are a few freebies just so Hillary and Don can sample the wares, so to speak.

For Big Don to use:

1. “As the man who conceived the Internet, I’ve used my own invention to discover that Hillary employs underage children, hidden away in a rural Arkansas sweatshop, to manufacture her pantsuits. Ugly, those suits. Dowdy. Sad, those kids.”

2. “As someone who’s slept with countless models, let me say, Hillary, that I not only did not support the war in Iraq, I don’t even know where Iraq is!” (The latter part is a tactical lie to assure voters Trump really does know where Iraq is: We’re all conditioned to think everything he says is false. Ergo, when he says he doesn’t know where it is, we automatically assume he DOES.)

3. “I wrote that novel ‘The Women.’ Good book, right? I wrote it. Great book. Who wrote it? Me.”

For Hillary to use:

4. “I’ve decided to be entirely forthright. Yes, I murdered Vince Foster. I buried him under the pile of unpaid debts in one of Donald’s foreclosed casinos.”

5. “National security advisors have confirmed that, if my opponent is elected, the Gold Code used by a president to launch nuclear weapons will have to be simplified to three-digits delivered in thought-bubbles by cheery cartoon bunnies.”

6. “How eloquent is my opponent? Well, here’s a recent quote: ‘People don’t know how smart you are. These are the smart people. These are the smart people. These are the really smart people. And they never like to say it. But I say it. And I’m a smart person. These are the smart. We have the smartest people. We have the smartest people. And they know it. And some say it. But they hate to say it.’”*

* Can’t help it. That isn’t a lie. That’s a direct quote from a Trump campaign stop in Iowa.