Like most of us, I end up on a lot of odd email lists that originated nine alogrithmic generations ago and have spun endlessly into ever-larger subscription bases.

Let’s say, for example, that in 2007 I innocently emailed a small record store in Mudfish, Mississippi, to ask if they had a copy of an obscure album by the late bluesman Blind Grapefruit Amputee. By now, data from that initial communication has bounded countless times through cyber galaxies — and the “what did we do to deserve this?” record store now gets 4,000 monthly emails that list-assemblers have appropriated from MY email data base.

Well, in the spirit of “this is the world we live in” acceptance, I was delighted, earlier this week, to receive a self-congratulatory email from a Los Angeles attorney named Gary S. Wolfe, Esq. It doesn’t say whether Mr. and Mrs. Wolfe actually and confidently named their prodigy “Gary, Esq.” or whether he earned the “Esq.” by kicking ass through his legal career. I suspect the latter because, in his email, Gary, Esq. trumpets the following: “I am pleased to announce that I have just received my 18th and 19th international tax award (sic). The 19 awards are from 8 different global expert societies.”

That’s the whole purpose of the email. So, good on you, Gary, Esq., you tax maniac! Now that we have that out of the way, can I just say as an arts journalist that I don’t really care about Gary and his Esq.-ness and the 19 tax award (sic) he’s won. There is zero reason I should have received this. But I’ll shut up in the hopes that inevitable forthcoming email notifications, about other people’s successes, will be more entertaining than multiple tax award (sic). For example:

1. “Hi! Charles ‘Tex’ Watson here. As Charles Manson’s ‘Chief Murderer,’ I’m proud to announce I’ve been turned down for parole for the 17th time! Looking forward to that magical 20 mark!”

2. “We here at Lawson Botany are humbled to have received the prestigious ‘Whimsical Agricultural Genetic Engineering Trophy’ on behalf of our new strain of carrot, which has black stripes alternating with the natural orange coloring, and should be a can’t-miss healthy treat next Halloween.”

3. “Share our good news with your readers! Custodian Circus, Ohio’s premiere janitorial supply outlet, is pleased to announce that Susie ‘Big Sooze’ Lummoxmaker has been named as Director of Mop and Bleach-Based Stain-Removing Solvents.”

4. “Tex Watson again. Forgot to mention: after getting turned down 17 times for parole, you get to add the designation ‘Esq.’ to your name. Best, Charles ‘Tex’ Watson, Esq.”