Good morning! I hope you all had a good night’s sleep, enjoyed the griddle cakes and are eager to work off those calories.

Some of you may have spent time on a dude ranch or signed up to do chores on a farm, but you really don’t get much of a workout herding cattle or feeding chickens. I promise you a week at Steve’s Lumberjack Camp is better than six months of Pilates, not to mention much more fun.

But before we get started, has everybody signed those hold-harmless-clause forms I passed out earlier? … Good.

Now let’s go over today’s program. You probably have noticed the enormous stacks of logs here in my driveway. You also may have observed that the woodsheds are about 100 yards uphill, reached only by stone steps and narrow paths that make it impossible to use any kind of cart or wheelbarrow, let alone tractor or truck.

If you’re wondering why anybody would cut down so many trees so far from the woodsheds, the answer is that they weren’t felled just for fuel, but unfortunately, because they had become a menace.

Look closely at the wood – see those rotten spots, crawling with ants? In the past few months huge limbs have broken off and crashed within inches of parked cars. One came down without warning only minutes after I walked past. You know what we call them? Widow-makers.

It would have been way too dangerous to have greenhorn lumberjacks take down these monster oaks, especially since some were close to power lines and had to be cut in sections and lowered to the ground with ropes.

But I’ve left one or two smaller trees away from the wires that need to come down. I also, as you can see, have an assortment of two-person crosscut saws that we can try out just for fun.

OK, any questions? ... Good.

Let’s start on this tree. You, sir, and you, sir – grab the handles on that saw with the 6-foot-long blade. What we’re going to do first is cut a wedge-shaped notch, called a hitch, about 2 feet from the ground, on the side in which the tree is leaning. … That’s it, go slowly, one pushes while the other pulls. … The rest of you can clear brush away from the base of the trunk so nobody trips if he has to get out of the way in a hurry.

OK, guys, doing great! Keep going .. Work those abs, not just your arms! A little more, little more, little more .... Super!

Now, get on the other side of the tree and start cutting slightly above the hitch. Everybody else, stand back and keep watching the top of the tree. Once it wiggles make sure you’re nowhere near where it’s going to fall.

C’mon guys, put your backs into it!! Keep going, keep going … Any second now … Just for the record, real lumberjacks don’t shout, ‘Timber!’ A simple “Hey!” will do. …

Hey!

Wow! Wasn’t that something? Perfect, right where we wanted it! Great job, guys!

Now, we can cut the tree into logs using old-fashioned hand saws, or I can start up the chain saw. I don’t have to tell you which one is faster.

Later, we can split the logs into firewood using old-fashioned mauls, sledge hammers and wedges, or we can fire up the gas-powered hydraulic splitter. Again, I hate to admit it, the machine is much more efficient.

If we use chain saws and the hydraulic splitter we’ll have enough time and energy for the most important part: Carrying the split logs to the woodsheds.

We have about 10 cords of freshly cut read oak to haul. A cord measures 4 feet by 4 feet by 8 feet, and weighs about 5,000 pounds. That’s 50,000 pounds – 25 tons. Think you’ll get that kind of workout power-lifting at a gym? Ha!

By the way, if you like Steve’s Lumberjack Camp you may want to consider signing up for Steve’s Rock-Moving Camp.

OK, crew! Those logs aren’t going to move themselves uphill! Let’s get going!