“Siri, how much farther to the summit?”

“There is a Summit Package Store 47.3 miles away. There is a Summit Dry Cleaners 83.2 miles away. There is a Summit Deli…”

“No, no, no! The top of the mountain!”

“Top of the morning is an Irish greeting commonly …”

“Mountain! Mountain, not morning!! I can’t find any blazes! I think I may have lost the trail a long time ago.”

“Long Trail ale is served at 47 locations within 100 miles …”

“Not beer! Trail!!”

“I found 156,842 trails on the Web. The Appalachian Trail is 2,200 miles long, extending from Springer Mountain, Georgia to Mount Katahdin, Maine. You are 642 miles from the closest point. The Pacific Coast Trail extends 2,663 miles from …”

“No, no, no! Forget the trail! It’s getting dark and I’ll need to get to a shelter ...”

“There is a homeless shelter in …”

“Not a homeless shelter! A cabin…”

“Log Cabin syrup is best served with pancakes. There is a Denny’s restaurant 148.7 miles …”

“It’s getting dark place. I need a place to sleep!!”

“Sleepy’s sells 129 different mattresses. Were you looking for twin, queen or king size?”

“Stop joking!”

“A priest, a rabbi and a psychiatrist walk into a bar…”

“Wait, wait! Let’s start over. It’s late, I’m exhausted, I’ve been hiking all day. I can’t seem to get my bearings …”

“Bering Sea? Bering Straits…”

“Siri, I’m trying to be patient, but …”

“In which hospital are you a patient?”

“Patience! I’m losing my patience!”

"There is more than one patient?”

“I may wind up in a hospital if I don't find my way back to civilization! Help me get out of here!”

“Enterprise Car Rental will drop off a vehicle. Will that be economy, compact, luxury, sport? I can call …”

“Siri, you don’t seem to understand! I’m in the woods, miles from any road. Not only that, it’s starting to rain, and I need …”

“The forecast is for showers turning to snow before dawn. The temperature is 37 degrees Farenheit. Do you want the 10-day forecast?”

“In 10 days it'll be too late! I need to get to someplace dry. Either that or I need to stop right here and build a fire. … Oh, no! The matches are soaked. Siri! How do I start a fire without matches?”

“OK, first you need to gather some birch bark, then some kindling. Next, take out a magnifying glass and angle it toward the sun …”

“The sun set an hour ago, plus it’s raining!”

“… OK, flip open your Zippo lighter. Elighters.com offers custom engraving and free 48-hour shipping on orders $50 and higher …”

“I don’t have a Zippo lighter and can’t wait even 48 minutes for one! I don’t even have a disposable Cricket! I don’t have a tent,sleeping bag or even a tarp!”

“Hmm. Let’s review the situation: You have lost the trail, it’s getting dark, starting to rain and will eventually start to snow. You have no sleeping bag, tent or tarp. You are 384.6 miles from the Ritz Carlton Hotel …”

“Siri!”

“Sorry. Just trying to be helpful. I think I can accurately describe your circumstances …”

“Yes?”

“You are so screwed. Battery failing … Losing power … Good night!”