My tombstone is going to read the following: "Here lies Mikey D. He just didn't understand."

I mean, a celebration for David Ortiz at Yankee Stadium?

What's next? Roses, an Edible Arrangement and a new Ford Expedition for the big lug, too?

I can't stand it. The guy has, what, 150 career homers against the Yankees? Without ever, once, one time, ever, getting dusted? This is what sports have become, apparently. I'm just shocked the Yankees didn't join the Red Sox for champagne in the clubhouse the other night, seeing as how everything is just swell now.

Maybe someone could ask Hal Steinbrenner — as poor George seethes somewhere — why in lieu of the national anthem Thursday night, the Yankees didn't invite James Taylor (a Red Sox fan) for a rousing rendition of "You've Got A Friend."

But then, Mikey D just doesn't understand.

I liked the Yankees and the Red Sox better when Fisk slid into Munson. When Pedro sent Soriano and Jeter to the hospital the first two batters of the game. When Pedro beat up Don Zimmer. THAT was Yankees/Red Sox. Now?

Let's all join in:

"I'd like to build the world a home, and furnish it with love; Grow apple trees and honey bees and snow white turtle doves; I'd like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony; I'd like to hold it in my arms and keep it company."

Aren't sports about rivalry? A good, healthy dislike? Not the hate we see in everyday life. More suited for the toy department. This is Yankees/Red Sox. Want to shake Ortiz's hand upon his impending retirement? Fine. But a ceremony for him on your front lawn? Pass the barf bag.

My guess is that the Yankees felt they owed the Red Sox something. The Bostons honored Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera in recent years. Know why? They are first ballot Hall of Famers who played the game gracefully over the years.

Ever see Jeter flip his bat after a homer?

Take an hour to round the bases?

Rub the other guys' nose in anything?

Whine over a scoring decision?

Appear on a PED list?

Ever see Rivera gyrate after a save?

The answers to all those questions: No, no, no, no, no and no. Jeter and Rivera deserved everything that came their way.

And so now we're going to elevate Ortiz to their level?

I'm not denying Ortiz isn't a terrific player. Belongs in Cooperstown. I'd even call him a clutch hitter, except all the stat geeks fail to recognize the term "clutch hitter" anymore. Apparently, there's no corresponding parabola that can be used with compound fractions to concoct an algebraic formula to correctly compute "clutch hitter."

But I digress.

Put it this way: Ortiz is not Jeter. Nor Rivera.

Sorry. His name has been linked to PEDs. His only defense: If I'm a jovial enough guy and say it loud enough, it mustn't be true. I saw him burst in on Tito Francona's press conference one time to whine about a scoring decision. He takes too long to round the bases after a home run. It's all swell, though, because it's Big Papi.

And if they want to celebrate him in Boston? Free country. The guy has authored a hundred memorable moments. Bully for him. But in New York?

When did the Yankees get soft?

This could have been a great week. Mark Teixeira's grand slam the other night denied the Red Sox a chance to celebrate on the field at Yankee Stadium. You know that killed them. To the core. The clubhouse celebration was fine and all. But it wasn't the field at The Cathedral.

The Yankees had a chance to send two messages: No celebrations on our lawn unless they're ours. And to Big Papi: Don't let the doorknob leave a lasting impression.

Instead? We celebrate a nemesis. Yuck. I'd rather date Medusa than watch this baloney.

Maybe the Celtics could bring back Bill Laimbeer for a night of revelry, too. It's what sports have become. No more villains. No more rivalry. Anyone for Bette Midler and "Wind Beneath My Wings?"

This is the opinion of Day sports columnist Mike DiMauro.