And now for another installment from Columnist of the People (COTP) a pathetic, Dear Abby knockoff for casual sports fans.

Today's topic: How do deal with being a football widow.

Football, you say? Yep. ESPN is already trumpeting that college football is only 45 days away. The NFL soon after. And you, dear widows, know what's coming. Endless television watching from your significant other, moronic conversation about the fantasy team, random outbursts at the television, gambling the grocery money and then the postgame shows telling us what we just watched at alarmingly high decibel levels.

So how can you, dear widow, mount an offense? COTP is here for you.

• Shop. No, really. Make it hurt. Grab the credit card. Your significant other won't even notice you've left. COTP would begin buying things that you know will irritate them. Like more shoes. Or health food. Kale. Radicchio. Imagine: Wednesday night dinner is Kale with Pomegranate Dressing and Ricotta Salata. You may hear, "When did you have time to do all this?" You answer, "Sunday, while you were watching football."

The best part: They'll enjoy the peace and quiet on football days so much that they won't have the stones to challenge your spending habits. Could be fun.

• If you can't beat 'em, join 'em: That's right. Start your own fantasy team. Ugh. COTP feels your pain. Heaven knows there's nothing dumber than fantasy sports. But pick your team. Study your players. Then say things like, "honey, can you switch to Tennessee/Buffalo for a minute? The Bills are in the red zone and I need the points from Sammy Watkins." See what you did there? You dropped in "red zone" (technical term) and a random player's name. And imagine if your fantasy team did better than theirs?

• If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, Part Deux: Drop in more technical terms. Google them. Or call COTP. You can say something like, "I just don't understand the nickel coverage there. What, their corners aren't good enough to go man? C'mon. What are we paying them? If they drafted him to be the boundary corner, that's what he should be, no?"

• Demand equal time: If your significant other makes you sit there and watch football, you make your significant other sit there and watch "Orange Is The New Black" or something else they hate. What's good for the goose ...

• Let's make a deal: Chances are, your significant other elicits one reaction (and one only) when you begin to chide about too much football watching: touchy, touchy, touchy. You'll hear, "C'mon! It's only one day a week!" Hold them to that. They get to watch TV one day a week or at least until the garage is cleaned, house is painted, lawn is cut and pool is vacuumed.

• Learn a new language: As one website suggests, try Mandarin Chinese. And then mix in a few sentences of it throughout the week. Learn to curse in the new language or perhaps make fun of them. Think of it. You're unloading all these classic lines and they have no idea they're getting buried. They may ask when you've been learning Mandarin. Tell them in Mandarin.

• Stand in front of the TV in various stages of undress: COTP offers no more commentary on this suggestion for fear of losing his job. But this is why God invented the pause button.

• Amuse yourself: COTP got this one from a friend: Buy as many orange traffic cones as you can and re-route traffic on your street. Take photos of people on the street and then run away. Or from the other room, ask your significant other, "did you hear that?" at random times.

Remember: football season will get here faster than you think. Never too early to prepare.

This is the opinion of COTP and necessarily of Day sports columnist Mike DiMauro