Because of our new puppy Virgil's exotic appearance, my wife Eileen and I decided to spend the cash on a DNA test to verify suspicions that he's a member of a rare and exotic breed — perhaps heretofore available only to Sting. The results were less dramatic, but that only made us love him more. (It did occur to me that we were under no obligation to reveal the truth. I could, instead, have written, "Yep, he's a Scottish Deerhound! A bit on the small side, to be sure, but that's what the DNA test says, so ...")

Anyway, the process and awaiting the test results were exciting, which is why I then turned around and sent off to get a DNA analysis for ME. I was pretty hopeful because, as someone who took Greek in high school, my translation of the Koster root-word origins seems to suggest "Immortal, Clever King With Eyes of China Blue."

And then ... the results arrived in the mail. Wow! You can't believe it! Here are highlights from the test results:

1. "Koster" is actually Germanic, not Greek, so any hopes that I'm related to Yanni probably ain't happening 

2. My Mom's side of the family — the Collins — emigrated to Illinois from a Wiltshire farm they owned in the British countryside, and which is where my ancestors built Stonehenge

3. Great-grandmother Hilda Collins came to New Orleans in 1853 — and medical authorities later traced the city's Yellow Fever epidemic, responsible for killing almost 8,000 people, to a mosquito bite she had on her left ear. Er, sorry about that, NOLA!

4. The "K" and "C" in "Koster" and "Coster" or "Costner" are interchangable and, as such, I think I'm owed some of the royalties from "Dances With Wolves" 

5. Somehow, Rasputin apparently slipped into the bloodline

Okay, at that point, I started to think the DNA Folks were making it all up, just so I'd feel good about myself and my genealogy. Then I saw the following:

6. "You're predisposed to a sallow, pockmarked complexion and have a tendency to issue guffaws like mule-snorts. Also, anticipate an erosional chin that, with age, will seem to melt like a scoop of lemon sherbet in vernal sunshine"

Yep, that's me ...