I always thought those "books written by dogs" were fake. For all their marvelous qualities, dogs can't really talk or write — no matter how seductive "The Art of Racing in the Rain" or "A Dog's Purpose" might be.

And then I heard from Hap. A rescue retriever, Hap is Sean Spicer's dog. "Hap" is short for "Happy Druid," the cheap scotch that Spicer, the White House press secretary and former Conn College pariah, gargles nightly in large quantities. I know! Spicer isn't the cuddly sort that would have a dog. According to Hap, it was a calculated adoption. Spicer likes to walk Hap down D.C.'s H Street Corridor, "trolling for hotties" since a fine hound is always a good conversation starter.

Anyway, Hap now resides almost full-time in the White House because President Trump, stung by reports that he's the first chief executive to have never had a pet on-site, called Spicer into the Oval Office. "Spice-Head, you've got a dog, right?"

"Yes, sir. Hap."

"Well, get him in here. I need some sort of creature to soften my image, and I'm out of spiders."

Why am I involved? Well, flatteringly enough, Hap just likes my work. And he contacted me — yes, he can, in fact, type emails — and asked if I'd like occasional dispatches from inside the Trump White House: "This place is a 24/7 high-wire kook show!" Here are a few of the things Hap sent me from this admittedly hectic week.

1. "Trump's hair. You know who styles it for him? Convicts. It's true! Trump has some weird fetish for prisoners running their hands through his hair. I guess the D.C. Correctional Facility has some inmate cosmetology school, and they're shipped over daily to arrange his hair. They do it with a special glue used on airplane engines."

2. "Trump has a big bowl of turkey eggs at cabinet meetings. If someone says something the President doesn't like, Trump pegs a turkey egg at the offending diplomat. They're hard boiled, though. And if any are left over, Trump peels and eats them with powdered cinnamon. Occasionally, he'll give me one. He's got a good heart — even if he is anonymously taking an online course on how to be a witch doctor."

3. "The President's son Eric is annoyed that the media reported how much it cost American taxpayers in Secret Service bills for the kiddos' recent business trip to Uruguay. As punishment, Eric wants his Secret Service detail to grow handlebar moustaches like the guard in 'The Wizard of Oz.' Oh, and Eric stamped his little feet when he demanded this."