It was a privilege and great fun, last Saturday, to serve as the Moronic Inquisitor during a Q&A session with bestselling (to the third power) author James Patterson and his wife Susan, who were appearing at Mohegan Sun in support of two new books.

Based on Patterson's prodigious (to the third power) output — about 150 titles in print as of this week — I suspect most fans in attendance were aware, or at least could surmise, that he has no problem coming up with ideas. But Patterson expounded on that by explaining his coffin-sized cabinets full of plot concepts, scribbled in pencil, that number in the thousands. Just to point out how random the Muse is, he recounted flying over Deep South low country and, upon seeing a tidewater flat from the plane window, spawned an idea for a novel. Presumably, he extracted the e'er present pencil from his shirt pocket and, on a drink napkin, jotted TIDEWATER FLAT: WRITE BESTSELLER.

If it was that easy, we'd all be tooth-and-nailing one another for slots on the New York Times bestseller lists. Still, given my monumental failure as a "book author," I figure it can't hurt to try the Patterson Method. In that spirit, over the course of the past week, I've just tried to come up with very commercial concepts — my tidewater flats of inspiration, if you will — and here are some ideas for new novels I plan to write soon.

1. High school dude wakes up and discovers he's grown overnight from 6'2" to 6'3½". Doctors are baffled, but it's also not really that much of a difference so everyone goes home. I dunno: Maybe the kid solves a murder by being tall enough to see something he couldn't see yesterday?

2. Computer/electronics genius gets huge grant from one of those Zuckerberg people. He's driven — girlfriend leaves him and his pet horse dies of neglect — but after four years he emerges from his Mountain Dew can-strewn lab and announces his great invention: a machine that plays both 8-track cartridges and cassette tapes! People literally boo him, but he uses the device to stop serial killer.

3. Woman goes to job cleaning up homicide scenes and accidentally destroys evidence that frees a serial murderer. Disgraced, she vows to hunt him down. He kills her.

4. Lovable gang of misfit kiddos must fight maleficent clown who personifies Evil. They surround him and kill him. Sorta similar to "It," but it's 36 pages instead of 1,100.

5. Man flies over tidewater flats, gets burst of inspiration, and writes novel. It's turned down by 96 publishers. Frustrated "author" takes job as small-town newspaper music writer.