A sophisticated and refined gentleman recently wrote to The Day suggesting we bring back formal head wear for men and ladies in an attempt to restore long lost glamor and civility to society.

While I agree with his commendable suggestion, I unfortunately would never be able to participate in such a fashion revolution. The world may be ready for me to wear a hat, but I'm pretty sure the world is not ready for me to remove that hat in a restaurant or other place of social intercourse.

If I ever attempted to join the masses in wearing a hat every day, I would unquestionably be deemed a detriment to society and rightfully banned from future hat removal in public.

If the sight of truly bad "hat hair" can distress my fellow citizens, as I will illustrate, I should have been banned from public places long ago. You may recall that I lamented my thinning hair in a past column, but I'm thrilled to report that I still do indeed have hair enough to cause a social stir if not tended properly.

I often wear a ball cap when I head out to golf, mow the lawn or undertake some sweaty task around the house. I know ball caps bear little relation to top hats, fedoras, derbies or bowlers, but these casual hats have taught me something.

Whether I remove a hat after 30 minutes or eight hours, it's hard to describe what has taken place underneath it. The very cell structure of my hair seems incompatible with wearing a hat. My hair ends up looking as though I was standing next to the Big Bang when it went off.

Plastered down in some areas and wildly sticking out in others, my hair undergoes a transformation under a hat that you simply don't want impressionable children to witness.

I've caused serious problems by taking a hat off in public. Restaurant customers have lost their appetites, people have missed work the following day and once hair futures on the stock market dropped 200 points.

I removed my hat in church and the congregation spent the hour praying for me. They gave me a cut of the collection plate to pay for repairs. One lady saw a weeping Jesus in my hair and I never doubted her. A State Farm insurance agent was driven to declare my hat hair a total loss.

I cannot be the only one who suffers this affliction but I've never seen anyone remove their hat with such frightening results.

And the destruction cannot be repaired with simple comb and water. The only solution is a hot shower, shampoo and a quart of gel.

Now rest assured, under normal circumstances, I look fairly acceptable, but hats are not my friend if I need to remain presentable. I'm pretty sure I'm the reason society dropped fancy hats for daily wear in the first place.

You'll be relieved to know that if hats as daily accessories for men do make a comeback, I'll stay on the sidelines. I've already done enough damage.

JOHN STEWARD OF WATERFORD, A RETIRED AIRPORT FIREFIGHTER WHO WORKS AT ELECTRIC BOAT, CAN BE REACHED AT TOSSINGLINES@GMAIL.COM.