Former NFL player Ray Rice has been in the news again this week. A Call To Men, a national anti-domestic and sexual violence organization, endorsed his return to the NFL and stated that he “deserved” a second chance at his profession. ESPN covered this endorsement at length, as did many other media outlets, but when A Call To Men issued a retraction and apology for this endorsement three days later, ESPN was silent. Their apology was earnest and clear, a great example of thoughtful retrospection, listening to others, and taking ownership. Apparently ESPN didn’t think a thoughtful response to domestic violence was a newsworthy event.

I work at Safe Futures (formerly the Women’s Center), Southeastern Connecticut’s agency that supports survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault. We run a support hotline, maintain emergency and transitional shelters, are present in the courthouses and with the police, and run prevention programs in many schools across the county. For over 40 years we’ve worked to provide a safe place for people who’ve gone through often horrifying and always traumatizing experiences. And it hasn’t been enough. Domestic Violence is still happening everyday here at home, and making national headlines.

Domestic violence is not just a “mistake”, as Ray Rice’s knockout punch of his then-fiancé has been described. Domestic violence is a choice. It is a choice to use one’s power over another. It is a choice to control your partner through intimidation. It is not just a punch, it’s words, it’s actions. It can be the withholding of money, access to children. It can be looking through your partners’ phone, monitoring their relationship with their family. It can be name calling, put downs, insults. All are equally damaging.

Claiming that one punch was the only time he was ever physically, verbally or emotionally abusive is just not believable. Every organization that works with survivors of domestic violence can attest: there is never just one incident. Abuse happens in a cycle. Violence doesn’t randomly enter a relationship. It always exists because it’s always threatening to come back. That’s how the abuser gets their power − through instilling fear of more abuse. Often, abusers can be very caring and attentive for long periods of time in between their abusive periods. Men who abuse can be very charming and likeable.

So what should happen to Ray Rice? First, we should not believe him when he says it only happened once. We should demand that he talk openly about where he learned his abusive behavior. We should demand that he talk publicly about what equality in a relationship looks like. Domestic violence is part of our culture, and the longer we pretend that it is just a random mistake, the longer we’ll have families living in fear. If we are to truly commit to gender equality and nonviolence, we need men to talk about the lessons in violence we’ve learned. We’ve all been taught that violence is power, and that’s a problem.

Does Ray Rice deserve a second chance in the NFL? It’s the wrong question. The better question is "what can we do to end all domestic violence?" One in four women will experience domestic violence from a man. Men, we need to do more. Yes, we can be victims, too, and male victims need support. But we are much more likely to be the abuser. The majority of domestic violence is men abusing women. Domestic violence is not an anger issue, it is a choice rooted in sexism and patriarchy. And with all choices, there is a responsibility. We men need to be responsible. We need to call each other out, and we need to believe in our own ability to change. We need to lead other men.

We are failing our boys by telling them to be tough and strong and to prove their manhood by dominating others, then expecting them to do the exact opposite in their most important relationships. It’s a setup, and we as a society are doing it to them. One solution is Coaching Boys Into Men, a national program that is scientifically proven to equip teenage boys with healthier relationship skills. It’s free, and you can find it at: www.coachescorner.org. It fits right into practice time. Coaches are already teaching valuable and important lessons and this curriculum will only strengthen the quality of skills we are giving our teenage boys. Every high school coach and parent can benefit from it.

None of us want our sons to ever be abusive, or our daughters to be abused. We need to turn that want into real action. The Coaching Boys Into Men program is one way. At Safe Futures, every day we see the effects of domestic violence. Please join us in creating a more just, equal, and nonviolent community.

Patrick Sheehan-Gaumer lives in New London. He is a community outreach worker at Safe Futures.