A coaching friend of mine was half joking the other day when he suggested I become the new (and first) commissioner of the Eastern Connecticut Conference. Good for a few laughs, blah, blah blah. But then I got to thinking.

What if …

And so here is my platform, just in case the existing poohbahs succumb to a blinding flash of wisdom and elect me commish. Although I prefer "Czar." Or even "Mussolini." Because that's how I'd run things. As Archie Bunker once said, "I'll say this for Mussolini. He was no barrel of laughs, but at least all the trains ran on time."

• First, I'd hire Jim O'Neill as my Consigliere. He knows the terrain as the former athletic director at New London and Waterford. He was instrumental in expansion and realignment. He's the smartest man I know. And he's not afraid to do what's right, as opposed to what's popular.

Jim would handle all public speaking engagements. Some of my favorite memories are his past oratories to the league principals. He'd mix in a few $25 words, the genesis of which the principals feigned knowledge, but went diving for the dictionary at meeting's end. What I wouldn't give for one more "obviate" or "perfunctory."

• This league would be run on the basic premise: Democracy is overrated. Best you'd hope for is a benevolent dictatorship. Totalitarianism a distinct possibility. Think monologues, not dialogues. At least until everything gets fixed. As UConn associate women's basketball coach Chris Dailey once said: "I know you have an opinion, but please don't feel like you need to share it with me."

• Jim and I would be paid handsomely. It's a lot of work, cleaning up this morass. We would be in charge of all scheduling, banning opt-outs forever, championship events, mediation, protests, meetings and the hospitality room at the aforementioned championship events. We have expensive tastes.

• Teach the dramatis personae the staggeringly significant difference between equity and equality. We are here to create equity: fairness. Not equality, where everybody is the same and has an equal amount of achievement. It's not possible. Doesn't work that way in sports. This just in: You win, you lose. Schools are good at some sports, lousy in others. Our job is to create a fair baseline. You want a better program? Stop whining about your schedule and hire a good coach whose message trickles to the feeder programs.

• Combine Wheeler and Stonington. Would make for a better athletic program and a bigger school. I like Wheeler. Hate to lump them in with the poor persecuted souls of the hinterlands. Actually, I hate to lump anybody in with the poor, persecuted souls of the hinterlands.

• Speaking of: We would encourage Gov. Malloy (he's a BC guy too, you know) to establish a toll just north of Lisbon Landing. It would discourage travel on I-395 as well as crossovers.

• Combine St. Bernard and Montville. Catholic Shmatholic. Plus, I've heard plenty of Montville coaches call out to Jesus during periods of in-game distress. Same town. Enrollment would increase. And they'd have an athletic director.

• Convince Norwich Free Academy athletic director Gary Makowicki not to retire. NFA gets blamed for everything this side of Ebola. But Makowicki is one of the ADs in this league who understands the concept of the greater good. He'd be a great cabinet member.

• Begin with a baseline of schools in the new ECC: East Lyme, Waterford, New London, Fitch, Stonington-Wheeler, NFA, St. Bernard-Montville, Ledyard. Everyone else is invited by invitation only. Likely candidates are Bacon Academy and Killingly (both with enrollments north of 800), suggesting they should compete just fine.

• All business must be run around Jim's golf schedule.

• The new regime will not address recruiting under any circumstances without names, dates, places and times. Prove it or keep it moving.

• Approach other conferences about scheduling alliances. They may balk. But we ask. Perhaps threaten. But nobody ever gets to schedule a technical school again. The other night, two ECC schools defeated Ellis Tech and Parish Hill respectively in basketball on the same night. That's a disgrace.

And there you have it. Mussolini's Musings. Go ahead. Elect me. Dare ya.

This is the opinion of Day sports columnist Mike DiMauro.

Twitter: @BCgenius