Husband no longer in love is tempted to get out and about

October 03, 2011 12:01 am • Last Updated: October 31, 2014 9:31 am

DEAR ABBY: Over the past several years I have fallen out of love with my wife. We're now at a point where all we do is cohabitate for the sake of the children. She often says she wants nothing to do with the kids and treats me as below human. She calls me at work repeatedly, then hangs up on me if I don't agree or give her the answer she wants. I finally had enough and told her I can no longer live like this.

She's now saying she has "seen the error of her ways" and wants to change. I don't know if I believe her or even care at this point. I have been so beaten down I just go through the motions. Part of me would like to see who else is out there for me, but then my wife cries and says she has "nowhere to go" and that I'd be putting the mother of my children "out on the street." She doesn't work because she can't keep a job. (Something always comes up that forces her to walk out.) Please help me. I am beside myself and don't know what to do.

- At A Crossroads In Colorado

DEAR AT A CROSSROADS: Try marital counseling for your children's sake, to determine whether your wife is capable of changing and whether your marriage can be salvaged.

If the answer is no, consult an attorney who specializes in family law, and when you do, seek custody of your children. If your wife says she wants nothing to do with them now, after a divorce her attitude isn't likely to improve. They will need a caring, supportive parent close to them. If your wife is as you have described, she appears to be more interested in a meal ticket than a partner, and you deserve better.

DEAR ABBY: I am a college student. In order to save money on housing, my best friend, "Keira," and I decided to get an apartment together. She's engaged, so it's actually the two of us and her fiance, "Bruce." All of us were enthusiastic about the idea. They moved in a few months before me because I had a job back home and their jobs were at school.

Because they moved in first, they treat me as if it is "their" apartment and I merely have a room there. When I try to buy things for the apartment, such as a new tablecloth, bath mat, etc., Keira immediately undoes any changes I have made when I leave for the day. I feel it is her passive-aggressive way of undermining me. It happens every day with something.

This may seen petty, but this is my apartment, too. I pay rent just as they do, and I want to feel at home here as well. Keira is stubborn and wants things her way. How can I get her to quit this behavior without causing further animosity within our home?

- Home-Less In New York

DEAR HOME-LESS: Convene a household meeting and tell Keira and Bruce what you have told me. While they arrived first and furnished "their" nest, you have an equal right to have it reflect some of your taste and personality. For your friend to erase it while your back is turned is inconsiderate of your feelings.

If you don't bring this out in the open, you will never establish a compromise. Because Keira is planning to be married, she had better get used to the concept of compromise because a successful marriage is full of it.

light years, I have a sick husband who needs my care and three children who are self-sufficient, successful and self-serving. I feel used by all of them. I hear from them only when they need me to baby-sit, provide a shoulder to cry on during breakups, etc.

My husband is a sick old man who appears to be headed toward dementia, and I can't find the courage to walk away. I don't know what you can do for me because I know I'm only one of millions of women in the same position: We can't afford a divorce; we want to remain a part of our children's lives; yet we yearn to give our love to those who can return it and appreciate the loving, competent women we are. What are your thoughts on this? - LEFT BEHIND

DEAR LEFT BEHIND: Your family is not going to change. If you want change in your life, you will have to create it for yourself. Accept that you have been partly to blame for your current situation. You tolerated the abuse and cheating and focused so much attention on your children that they grew up thinking you would jump when they snapped their fingers.

If you want to be appreciated, stop acting like a martyr and make yourself less available to all of them. Use the time to carve out an identity of your own before it's too late. Donate some of that "empty" time to charities you believe in or causes you care about, and you will be appreciated. And while you're at it, talk to a lawyer and find out what your options are. You may find you're not as trapped as you think.

DEAR ABBY: Our three grandchildren have come to live with us because their mother got mixed up with drugs and their father died. The middle boy, "Clay," is such a picky eater, it borders on an eating disorder. He is 11, weighs 60 pounds and is skeletal to look at. He is the smallest child in his grade. He will eat chicken, potatoes, rice, some cereal and peanut butter sandwiches. One day he will like something, the next he won't. We have caught him making himself vomit after we have insisted he eat something.

We have tried not making a big issue about it, saving his plate for the next meal, making him sit at the table until he has eaten everything and had him see a psychologist for a year. Clay is a sweet, engaging child who has convinced two psychologists there is nothing wrong.

We know this is the way he has some control over his life, but we are fearful for his health and happiness. We have tried counseling in this community of limited mental health resources. Any suggestions? - IN A FOOD FIGHT IN ARKANSAS

DEAR IN A FOOD FIGHT: Yes. Stop turning mealtime into a battleground. Take Clay back to his pediatrician and find out whether or not his physical development falls into the range of normal. Explain that the boy is living on protein, starches and carbs and ask what supplemental vitamins he should take for his health.

So far, all you have accomplished has been to make your grandson associate mealtime with punishment, and that isn't conducive to anyone's health and happiness - not his and not yours. If the doctor says Clay is developing normally, then accept it, as well as the advice of the two psychologists. If he isn't, consult an expert in eating disorders.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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(EDITORS: If you have editorial questions, please contact Sue Roush, sroush(at)amuniversal.com.)

Abby 10/5

Wife's past experience looms large in present marriage

DEAR ABBY: I met my husband, "Jerome," two years ago. During our courtship, he helped me to find faith. Because of that, I wanted a completely honest relationship with him and confessed to a "less than moral" experience that occurred several years before I met him. Apparently he was able to accept it, because he proposed and we have been married for several months.

Recently, however, Jerome has been saying it's bothering him and he doesn't know how to let it go. I'm angry and hurt that something that happened long ago is now causing problems in my marriage. It has made me question why I was honest with him.

I'm afraid Jerome will never forgive me. He says he feels as though he has to compete with my past and doesn't feel he can live up to it. How do I tackle this problem? I can't change my past, I can't take back what I told him, and I can't do anything to change my husband. Please help. - HAUNTED BY THE PAST

DEAR HAUNTED: First, stop apologizing. You are the sum total of all your experiences, and that's the woman he married. Tell your husband you will not accept anything less than marriage counseling NOW. He knows about your "experience" because you leveled with him. Make it clear that this isn't a contest, and he's all you want in a man. If he can't accept it, there is no basis for a marriage, and frankly, little hope for a future together.

DEAR ABBY: I have been invited to a wedding. The invitation included explicit instructions on what is appropriate attire. Ladies are "not to wear anything tight or revealing, or that doesn't cover chest, back, knees and shoulders." One of my friends said she wouldn't go to such a wedding. Another said, "I don't own anything that meets their dress code."

We are all three mature women who have always dressed conservatively. What's your take on this? Am I right to feel insulted? - CLOTHING-CHALLENGED IN OREGON

DEAR CLOTHING-CHALLENGED: Not necessarily. It's possible that the house of worship where the wedding will be held - as well as the families involved - may be conservative or orthodox, which is why the women are being asked to cover themselves. If you feel the dress code is too much of an imposition, you should politely decline the invitation.

DEAR ABBY: My granddaughter, who is 18, had a child last year. She kept the baby and dropped out of school. She is now working and has returned to school to get her GED. My husband has always loved her and helps her financially.

My problem is she has twice stolen from a fund I keep for our church. Although she is the only one who could have done it, my husband refuses to believe it. I now insist on locking everything up.

Abby, if she had asked for the money either time, her grandfather would have given it to her. I think she gets an adrenaline rush from stealing. What can I do about this? - AT A LOSS IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR AT A LOSS: Where are your granddaughter's parents? Are they aware of what has been going on? If not, please inform them because if she's stealing from you for the adrenaline rush, she is probably also doing it elsewhere. Someone needs to see that the girl receives counseling before her behavior lands her in serious trouble. And in the meantime, she should not be left alone in your home.

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1130 Walnut, Kansas City, MO 64106; (816) 581-7500

DEAR ABBY 10/5/11 2

FROM UNIVERSAL UCLICK

Abby 10/6

Vast majority of readers would have children again

DEAR ABBY: In response to your poll (Aug. 24), "If you had it to do over again, would you have children?" my answer is, "I SURE WOULD!" Being a parent made me a better, more tolerant, more patient person and more willing to take risks.

It wasn't always easy. My son's father left me when I was four months pregnant. With the help of my dear mother, I returned to work, completed my college degree and became a schoolteacher. I have so many wonderful memories. My son is grown now and works with special needs children, and I am proud of the man he has become. - MOM IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR MOM: Your feelings reflect the opinions of 78 percent of my readers, who voted yes to that question. The mail I received was profoundly touching. My newspaper readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: I'm sitting in my oncologist's office, waiting to be seen. Tomorrow is one year since I finished chemotherapy.

Would I have children again? Absolutely. My husband and three amazing sons have brought so much love, joy and happiness to my life. It would have been hard living through two bouts of cancer 10 years apart, a mastectomy, chemo, radiation, surgery and hopelessness without these wonderful men in my life. They encouraged and supported me all along the way.

Childbirth was painful, but if I was told I had to go through it again every month to have my children, I'd do it. Knowing I helped to create them makes me feel incredibly blessed. - JEANNE IN BONITA SPRINGS, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 44-year-old black woman. I feel a deep gratitude and am privileged to be a mother to my two daughters. I get to help shape and mold them and see how they bloom.

My journey to my girls was through adoption. God gave me a wonderful gift when we were placed together. Parenting is challenging and hard. Anyone who thinks differently is mistaken. But it's something I'm proud of and love wholeheartedly.

My sister has asked me on two separate occasions if I regret my decision. Never! - EVA IN PHOENIX

DEAR ABBY: If I could go back, I would not do it again. My children are beautiful, smart, caring and funny. I loved doting on them when they were little. However, I never realized what was coming - that as teenagers they'd be needy, selfish, costly and ungrateful. Nothing is ever good enough. I get the brunt of the bad moods, the hateful words and the cold shoulders.

Had I known how hard this was going to be and the sacrifices I'd have to make, I would have said no. If I had any idea that I'd love them so much that their pain is my pain, I would have said no. - ANONYMOUS IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: My answer is an emphatic NO! I love my son and care for my stepchildren, but for the few joys that I have received it wasn't worth the heartaches.

I have spoken to many parents about this. They all seem to feel the same. These adult children have a sense of entitlement and no respect. Frankly, I should have raised dogs!!! - NO NAME IN GEORGIA

DEAR ABBY: Would I have children again? Absolutely, every one of them from my first, who is a special needs child who may never be able to live independently, to the youngest, who was only 4 when his dad left. The only change I'd make is I would have them with someone other than their dad, who just wasn't up to the job of being a parent. - WISER NOW IN MINNESOTA

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1130 Walnut, Kansas City, Mo. 64106; (816) 581-7500

FROM UNIVERSAL UCLICK

Abby 10/7

Teen's mom fails to heed nanny's words of warning

DEAR ABBY: I have worked as a nanny for many years for a divorced professional woman. She has a son and a daughter. The son, now 15, is smoking pot. I told his mom, but she's ignoring the problem. She said: "He's just experimenting. I want him to get it out of his system before he enters college."

I love this child, and I feel helpless. He knows better. The boy used to be very honest, but that's no longer the case. How can I help him when his mother isn't making an effort? - NANNY WHO CARES IN TEXAS

DEAR NANNY: Your employer seems to be clueless. What makes her think her son will get into college if he's spending his high school years stoned on weed? And for that matter, when he grows bored with grass, what makes her think he won't go on to "experiment" with stronger illegal substances? Hiding her head in the sand is not the answer.

Where is the boy's father? If the mother isn't up to the task of keeping her son on the straight and narrow, the father should be informed about what's going on.

DEAR ABBY: My mother and "Simon," the man I consider my father, married when I was a toddler. Simon adopted me when I was in grade school. Most people believe he's my natural father, including my siblings. (I have no contact with or memory of my biological father.)

Last month at my brother's wedding, a guest commented to Dad about how much we look alike. Simon responded with, "Well, that would be tough." The guest replied, "Oh, she isn't yours?" and he said no. I was extremely hurt by his response. This has left me wondering if he feels differently about me than my sisters and brothers.

Nothing has been said since, and I feel I should let it go. Should I say something to my dad or just chalk it up to a stressful day for all of us? - FEELING EXCLUDED IN OHIO

DEAR FEELING EXCLUDED: Chalk it up to thoughtlessness on Simon's part. You became "his" when he adopted you. What he was focused on at the wedding was the question of biological relatedness, and I'm sure he didn't mean to slight you. Because this has troubled you enough to write to me, discuss it with your father and tell him how it made you feel, and give him a chance to explain.

DEAR ABBY: We have two sons, both married with children. Unfortunately, their wives don't get along, which has resulted in strained family gatherings. There is now a tendency not to invite the "other" couple to family events. Our sons always got along with each other, but this has also strained their relationship.

Any suggestions? Should we, as parents, get involved and talk to both couples at the same time? It is heartbreaking to see our sons and our grandchildren miss out on together time. - SAD IN SYRACUSE

DEAR SAD: Talk to your sons separately - and then with their wives. Whatever has caused the tension between your daughters-in-law may take mediation to fix. You are right to be concerned, because if the cousins don't grow up knowing each other, the breach in the branches of your family will be permanent.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: Tonight at sundown, Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish calendar, begins. It's a day of fasting, reflection, prayer and repentance. To all of you, may your fast be an easy one.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby - Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

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Abby 10/8

Man wants to pull the plug on late-night chat sessions

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Mindy" for a little more than a year, and mostly we get along. The one thing that is not working is Mindy likes to have long talks on the phone, usually very late into the night.

When I get sleepy and tell her I'm going to bed, she either gets upset, ignores me and continues talking, or tries to guilt me into staying up later to talk. I resent it. I have tried discussing it with her, but she doesn't seem to get it. How can I get across to Mindy that I'd like to go to bed without a fight? - NODDING OFF IN BELMONT, CALIF.

DEAR NODDING OFF: Do it by telling your chatterbox girlfriend in the bright light of day what time your bedtime is. Tell her that if she wants to have long conversations in the evening, that's fine with you - but she needs to respect what your bedtime is. As that time approaches, remind Mindy by saying, "I'm giving you five more minutes, then I'm hanging up the phone." Then do it.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance's ex-girlfriend "Amanda" has been living with his parents for more than three years. I feel cheated out of the opportunity to have a daughter-like relationship with my fiance's parents. I want her to move out.

I have discussed this with my fiance, and he talked to his mother and told her that we're getting married and it's time for Amanda to leave. Amanda also agrees it's time for her to move, but my future mother-in-law doesn't. I don't think she wants to let go of Amanda and her grandson. It's like Amanda is her daughter.

I don't like the situation. It's not normal, and I don't know what to do. Should I confront his mother or just stay quiet? I want to feel like I'm the daughter-in-law, not Amanda! Please help. - CHEATED IN HOLLAND, MICH.

DEAR CHEATED: I see nothing positive to be gained from a confrontation. Once you and your fiance are married, you WILL be the only daughter-in-law.

However, you will have to accept that Amanda's child will always be your in-laws' first grandchild. Regardless of how far or how fast Amanda moves out, her child will have a place in their hearts and their lives. Having had their grandchild living in their home for this period of time has intensified the bond. Please consider carefully how this will affect you before you marry this man, because feeling as you do, it may be a difficult adjustment.

DEAR ABBY: In our house we have a simple dress code. We ban the "three B's". If your clothing shows your butt, your boobs or your belly, you may not wear it. I just don't think it's healthy for my teenage sons (or my older son and husband) to have that in their faces as we eat dinner.

Is there a tactful way to approach the kids' friends - who are welcome at all times, but sometimes show up with their boobs hanging out? - COVERING UP IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR COVERING UP: Yes. If someone comes to the table suffering from overexposure, take the girl aside and tell her that in your house you "dress" for dinner. Then offer her a garment to cover up with.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing you with an etiquette question. If a neighbor is displaying a card, such as a get-well or thank-you card, is it OK to pick it up and read it? - JUST WONDERING IN SPRINGBORO, OHIO

DEAR JUST WONDERING: No, not without first asking permission. To do otherwise could be considered rude or even nosy.

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(EDITORS: If you have editorial questions, please contact Sue Roush, sroush(at)amuniversal.com.)

1130 Walnut, Kansas City, Mo. 64106; (816) 581-7500

DEAR ABBY 10/8/11 3

FROM UNIVERSAL UCLICK

Abby 10/9

Granddaughter is too young to withstand harsh criticism

DEAR ABBY: My mother watches my two children before and after school and during the breaks. She is a caring person, but she is also very critical of my daughter. (She's fine with my son.)

Mom constantly tells my daughter she needs to lose weight or exercise more, or her hair looks stringy, or she isn't dressed properly. My daughter is only 9.

My mother did this to me when I was younger, and it made me feel I could never live up to her standards. How should I approach her about this? I don't want my daughter to feel inadequate. She's a beautiful, intelligent little girl. - FRUSTRATED IN MISSOURI

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Deal with this firmly, before your mother erodes your daughter's self-esteem as she did yours. Tell her how her constant criticism made you feel, that you don't want the same thing to happen to your little girl, and that anytime she's tempted to make a negative comment, she should substitute a POSITIVE one instead. Be direct with her, and if she isn't able to comply, make other arrangements for your daughter.

DEAR ABBY: My siblings have noticed my distant, odd behavior toward one of my brothers. This sibling and I have a history of incest. He raped me repeatedly for years, and I want nothing to do with him. When the family gathers, one or the other of us declines the invitation if the other one is going to be present.

I have told one sibling, "We just don't get along - old stuff, ya' know!" and left it at that. I want to keep the reason to myself. I feel I may be pushed for a better answer. Shouldn't "old stuff" be enough of a reason? Should I tell or not? - SHOULD I OR SHOULDN'T I?

DEAR SHOULD I?: A person who repeatedly rapes someone "for years" is a predator. This wasn't two kids "experimenting"; it was sexual assault. How do you know he didn't prey on other siblings or cousins? You should have sought counseling about this years ago, and it's still not too late. Once you do, I'm sure you'll find the strength to stand up for yourself and speak out.

DEAR ABBY: Seven years ago, when I was 25, I quit a good job before I had a new one. Hard times ultimately led to my husband and me divorcing. I went back to school and am now starting a new career. But I can't help but feel that if I had not quit my job years back, I'd be established in a career by now and still be married.

I never listened to anyone back then, although I was polite and quiet. I have grown from the experience, but my heart aches for what I lost. I don't drink or do drugs, so there is no numbing this pain. How do I get over my regrets and heal? - LOOKING BACK IN ILLINOIS

DEAR LOOKING BACK: You can't change the past. You can only concentrate on and build a future. Do that by making a conscious effort to STAY IN THE PRESENT.

When you feel yourself slipping backward and reliving the pain, pull yourself into the here and now. Then thank your higher power for your health, your job, and the chance to rebuild your emotional and financial future. Regret is the cancer of life. Dwell on it, and it will keep you from progressing.

Good advice for everyone - teens to seniors - is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby - Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

(EDITORS: If you have editorial questions, please contact Sue Roush, sroush(at)amuniversal.com.)

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