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    Columns
    Tuesday, June 18, 2024

    ‘Please meet my son. His name’s Grinder.’

    It’s a fact that some women are named after alcohol. You occasionally run into a “Brandy,” and even more occasionally you run into a “Brandy” who isn’t an exotic dancer. I have known women named “Sherry,” and once I met a “Margarita” who told me she hoped to never hear another joke about salt.

    I do not know anyone named “Absinthe,” but I have an acquaintance who says he knew an Absinthe — and SHE never wanted to hear another joke about the color green.

    In today’s culture, where creative name-giving is a competitive sport, it would not surprise me if there are young girls trying to understand why they’re named Bellini, Daiquiri, Chardonnay or Midori.

    On the other hand, men/boys don’t seem to have as many boozy appellations. I suppose “Jack Daniels” and “Johnny Walker” are about as boozy as it gets, but I assume Johnny and Jack were already walking through the world and THEN invented their eponymous whiskeys — and not the other way around.

    But maybe we just don’t hear as much about boys with liquory names. Coming from the South — why is it always the South? — I’d bet there are young fellows down there whose given names are “Budweiser,” “Jaeger,” “Cuervo,” “Jameson,” “Liquor,” “Pilsner,” “Bourbon” and, of course, “Dalton,” the latter of which isn’t an alcoholic beverage but Patrick Swayze’s character in “Roadhouse” — the best damn cooler in the history of saloon bouncers!

    How come there’s not a similar sense of playful creativity when it comes to naming children after food? I mean, yes, there was that Meat Loaf guy, but that was a nickname. (His given name was Mutton Chop.) And I know of men named “Treat” and “Pie.”

    As for females? There are sprinklings of Honeys, Muffins, Cookies, Cherrys and Gingers through our culture. And That Gwyneth Woman — the actress/lifestyle person who also made a scented candle that purportedly smelled like, well, her nether region — has a child named Apple.

    But that’s about it that I can find.

    Therefore, with my typical propensity for spot-on cultural prophecy, I’ve come up with some possibilities for foody names — 10 for girls and 10 for boys — that will help parents raise the Cool Kids of Tomorrow. (For fun, speak these aloud along with your own last name, just to get a feel for the greatness.)

    BOYS

    Corndog

    Biscuit

    Jerky

    Cheddar

    Porkskin

    Whopper

    Lunchmeat

    Sauerkraut

    Gravy

    Sausage

    GIRLS

    Sundae

    Tofu

    Starfruit

    Popcorn

    Sushi

    Cupcake

    ’Sparagus

    Smoothie

    Marshmallow

    (Hmm. I need one more. Wait! How about...)

    Meat Loafina

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