Dear M,

I know it’s an exciting time at Downton, what with Lady Rose’s wedding and all, but glory be were things complicated upstairs and down. There was a lot of sobbing (Mrs. Patmore doesn’t want Daisy to move away), and close talking (Mrs. Denker bullying Andy, the new, temporary footman, and Barrow coming to the rescue), and uncouth announcements (Rose’s mummy announcing she’s getting a divorce).

There were a lot of surprised expressions: Rose seeing a photograph of her bridegroom at his stag party in a compromising pose (shock!); the Dowager’s insufferable maid Mrs. Denker staggering around the kitchen in a drunken stupor and her proclamation the next day that she wasn’t feeling well because she had a headache (amusement!); Lord Grantham realizing little Marigold reminds him of … wait for it … the late Michael Gregson (awe!); and Anna being taken away in handcuffs while everyone in the house stands around in their night clothes (shock and awe!).

Honestly, it felt like an episode of “The Californians” from “Saturday Night Live.”

-K.

***

Ms. K,

I’m smiling widely as I consider your image of “The Californians.” Can you imagine the Dowager’s response to the uber-blondes of that sketch? She’d likely beg their pardon and ask what language they were speaking.

My favorite dramatic moment? When Lady Sinderby laid down the law about Rose and Atticus to her husband at what was essentially the altar, right after Horrible Susan’s absurd announcement; to paraphrase: “you WILL not make a scene or stand in the way of this wedding or I’ll leave you and REALLY show you a scandal.” And didn’t Lord S. back right the hell down? Fabulous. I’m not sure why she’s so keen on Rose (I mean, she’s a nice kid and all, but MAN!), but I think we safely know who’s in charge in that household.

Or how about at the blessing, when Random Lady Snob tried to talk smack about the Sinderbys’ faith to Cora and Lord G., and Cora sweetly, coolly reminds her that her own papa was Jewish. Boom! That was pretty great.

Back to the high drama, though: do we suppose Bates is going to attempt to take the fall for Anna? Because we haven’t seen NEARLY enough court/legal/police drama with these two…

Making Dramatic Prairie Dog face,

M.

***

Dearest M,

I’m a little weary of the “who killed Mr. Greene" storyline. It can’t end well for Anna. Doesn’t matter if he raped her. In those days I’m pretty sure rape was always the woman’s fault anyway. And it can’t end well for Mr. Bates either. He’s got to do something to defend her honor after all she did for him to prove his innocence in the death of his wife. And isn’t Mr. Bates looking a bit like the dad in Mary Poppins, with his bowler hat and cane?

But I did like the whole memorial dedication and how Lord Grantham made a special plaque for Mrs. Patmore’s nephew who died in the war after deserting his post. I thought that was a nice acknowledgement of those suffering from PTSD.

And wasn’t it a cry-fest for Mrs. Patmore, with Daisy announcing she’s moving to London because she feels like she’s been living in a “coal-hole” her whole life and can see there’s a whole big world out there.

Yes, not a good night for the women of Downton. Rose thinks Atticus has “picked up a tart of some kind” (Lady Mary’s words, not mine). Her mother is trying put off the wedding. Mary is upset that Tom and Sybil are leaving for America and she’s to be left with Edith. “Our household is breaking up,” she laments.

And correct me if I’m wrong but do you think she thinks she made a mistake dumping Lord Tony? I thought I saw a hint of regret when she was telling him “you were just what I needed when I needed it.” What’s that? A roll in the hay, as Farmer Mason might say? I think she’s second-guessing herself or she just wants what she can’t have, now that he’s going to marry Mabel.

Just wondering,

K

***

Lady of Wisdom,

I think you might be right regarding Mary’s glimmer of regret. Whether it’s because she thinks she made an error in throwing over Tony, or it’s due to wanting want she can’t have I can’t be sure. What I AM sure of is they better not make Tony dump poor Mabel again. She seems like a nice gal, and I love the way she effortlessly returns Mary’s fast-flowing snipes.

I’ll confess something: I did tear up a little when Lord G. presented Mrs. P. with the plaque for Archie. You know I have little use for his lordship, but he did good Mrs. P. yet another nice turn (remember the eye surgery he paid for?).

As for Miss Daisy, I can understand her point of view, her awakening into the wider world, but she needs a little more time to marinate in the educational soup before she strikes out on her own in London. She shows her remaining naiveté when she laments that her education thus far has served to show her how much her life has sucked up ‘til now. One day, with more learning and perspective, she’ll be grateful for her earlier life’s education of experience. I have to say the way the writers handled the whole “I’m giving my notice” into “Oh, Mrs. P was just kidding about me moving to London, Mr. Mason” transition was a little awkward and too conveniently tied up with a bow there.

Now, can we talk about Prince Kuragin’s not entirely indecent proposal to the Dowager? I think she might go for it!

Discuss,

M.

***

Dear Miss M.

So sorry for the delay. I hate when real life — doctor appointments, shopping, workouts and telephone calls with my sisters — get in the way of my virtual life at Downton.

First, I love Daisy and her awakening. Maybe she’ll take over the farm and become one of the first women to actually own land.

And yes, let’s discuss the Dowager and the apparent, long-lost love of her life. Don’t know if she’ll take him up on his offer of marriage. I’m thinking no. Wouldn’t it be beneath her right now, to take this ragtag, disgraced Russian aristocrat who lives in a hovel in London? And, he’s still married. Yes, the Princess has been gone for some time, but until she’s officially dead, he’s married. No matter how modern Violet is getting, I don’t think she’d agree to polygamy.

Always late for the prom,

K

***

Ms. K,

Not to worry re: the delay. This winter has put everyone on a permanent snow delay. I shan’t be on time for anything until April at least.

You make a good point about the still-breathing princess. (And don’t you love the way the Dowager pronounces it: “prin-cess,” with accent on the “-cess.”) And yet, I think Isobel is going to conveniently rub off on her and SOMEthing vaguely shocking will happen on that front. Or, the stupid prin-cess will simply turn up and Violet and Kuragin will suffer in noble silence.

And speaking of romance, in the “next on” clips, we saw yet another gent buzzing around Mary. I’m a wee bit tired of the subject, so here’s hoping our writers are aware of such fatigue in fan-dom and make that courtship snappy, in one way or another. Still, I’m a little touched by Mary’s (and Edith’s) somewhat overstated wish that Tom not leave Downton. I think that says a decent amount about them. The Crawleys love their customs and tradition, and yet they emerge pretty darn progressive among their peers. Affection for commoners? Rag-tag Russians? A soft touch for a weepy cook? Dead-dog memorial stones? Gadzoooks! You’d think they were almost…human!

Finally, I ask you this: the hell was that whole silly subplot with Barrow, Andy and Ms. Denker and their trips to the gambling den? Really. I mean, we could’ve had a more then 10-second conversation between some of the more major players were it not for that crammed-in little farce. However, I shall never un-hear Denker singing “It’s a Long Way to Tipperary” and I suppose that’s worth something.

Know when to hold them,

M.

***

Dear M,

Is it really a long way to Tipperary? I’ve often wondered. But I digress.

Yes, I was disappointed when it was revealed that Mrs. Denker dragged young Andy away to drink and gamble. Sort of lame. But did like the image of ol’ Denker sitting at the bar downing those drinks. Enjoyed Thomas saving the day, though. Does that mean he’s turned over a new leaf? And then there’s Denker swooping around the kitchen in a drunken stupor, which apparently she didn’t remember the next day. Loved how the rest of the staff, except for stick-in-the-mud Mr. Carson, had a good laugh at Denker’s expense. Do you think, she’s fired? I wonder if Spratt knew about her, er, character flaw, and that’s why he doesn’t like her. We may never know.

And speaking of Mr. Carson, that pep talk he gave to Mary about being too good for Tony? Yuck!

Back to real life where there are no prin-cesses or Russian princes,

K

*** 

Mdme. K,

Spratt, I believe, hates everybody, regardless of who they are or where they came from. But if Denker does up end fired, I think we can be sure Spratt had a hand in it.

As much as I’d love it if Barrow were turning over a new leaf, I’m not convinced his affection for Andy is 100% altruistic. I think he’s looking for love, but the question remains as to whether it’s in all the wrong places.

And as it turns out, we’re quite a ways from Tipperary: approximately 3006 miles from New London per Google Maps.

How’s that for landing us back in reality?

Luvies,

M.

*** 

Dear M, 

My kids programmed my name on their cell phones as “Reality Check.” You, my dear, have taken over the honors.

Love,

K

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