In my almost 11 years as a Connecticutian, this summer has been the per capita most miserably hot/humid to date. This assertion was verified when I called a meteorologist.

Actually, the line was busy and I never got around to calling him back, but instead I thought really hard about it and, yes, I think it is the hottest.

So we have that as an established fact.

In a perverse way, I want it to be the most humid and horrible. I have just a sufficiently large enough ego to take the weather as a personal affront, and as such, when it's sucky, I can justify feelings of martyrdom — as though you and you and you aren't suffering just as much as me.

Yet ... maybe you aren't suffering as much as me. After all, we moved up here from Texas precisely to escape the barbecue pit heat and humidity that blankets the state from May until October (and also because no one would give me a job down there but that's another tale). So to come all the way up here and run into the exact same weather is worse for me than it is for you.

Here's why: in the South we were at least used to central air conditioning. Every building has central air conditioning — even the outhouses that all of us use down there. It's a way of life. There is a constant presence of built-in cool air to keep you sane and calm.

Not here, though.

And so the problem is: what do I do about the weather here and now?

I studied all those lists civic-minded newspapers like The Day publish as a service to folks during these heat waves. You know what I mean: those “10 Ways to Stay Cool” lists. And the advice seems so obvious:

1. Drink plenty of water.

2. Drink even more water.

3. Don't stick your hands in the toaster slots and use your nose to push down the “cook” lever.

4. Don't shoot up crank and then sprint down Main Street at top speed for 16 miles.

... That sorta thing.

Yet none of those pithy suggestions seemed to have helped me. Hmm. What if there are other Stay Cool Tips that aren't as obvious as I thought?

What if, instead of taking a cool shower, you should take a hot shower because, after you get out of the hot shower, the air you originally thought was beastly hot and humid will actually seem much cooler?

Similarly, as a thematic experiment, I filled our bathtub with gasoline and sat in it for several minutes before getting out.

Nope.

Then I thought, well, I'll just stay at work where the AC is running, but like most responsible corporations, The Day tunes the air conditioning to about 80 degrees so that we don't die, but we don't get deliciously chilly, either. Plus, I'm right next to a window that peers into a steel foundry, so all day long the Bessemer converter is roaring at sun-like temperatures.

I suppose the best choice is that I'm sorta telecommuting. I've taken my laptop into the beer cooler at Gordon's Yellow on Montauk Ave. There, surrounded by all my friends in a sweetly cool environment, I'm able to churn out spectacular work — like what you're reading right now.

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